The ugliest clothes on the planet.

Fashion critic Cara and I flanking a
particularly ugly shirt. No, it's not a
curtain but I don't blame you for wondering.

Why are the clothes so ugly this year? Have you noticed this? Hideous, loud, obnoxious colors, maternity shapes (good god, why would we want to look pregnant if we weren't?), baggy waistlines blousing out from under the chest and patterns that shouldn't even be on bedding. Have we learned nothing from the 60s and 70s??

I need to remember this. When I am 80 and wondering was it really that bad? I want to whip out my extra-large iPhone for arthritic fingers, find proof and say yes, it really was that bad.

So because I was feeling extremely judgmental, I went undercover to assemble a collage of the ugliest clothes I could find.

It wasn't hard. I may have spent all of 20 minutes finding enough fashion blog fodder.

To compensate you for the damage you'll undoubtedly do to your eyes by feasting them on this psychedelic crap, I'm offering a free belt giveaway. To enter, post a comment and I'll have the very large and vocal doves roosting outside my window peck out the winner.

Important note: when you see the ugly clothes ON someone (besides me, because I'm just horsing around), know that these examples stood out because of their ability to transform a willowy figure into a shapeless lump. Heck, if a shirt can make an anorexic plastic torso look fat then I don't know who could pull it off!

Fashion critics, Steve and Dan
on part of our mission.

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Ugly clothes hideous clothes and ugly AND hideous clothes:

Me at left: ready to command a Spleenizistan marching band. Right: I think I just wanted to look fat and ugly. Mission accomplished!

Not only do the waistlines in these ugly dresses begin right under the boob, but the huge sashes are still not large enough to actually encircle the waist. End result? You will look pregnant.

WTF is that on the left? It's definitely not the right shape for a shower curtain. And I couldn't find the hem for a curtain rod so it definitely doesn't belong on a window. But this can't possibly be made to fit over a human body. Or at least a human body that wanted to appear attractive or professional. And seriously?? I don't think Barney would even wear the, um, thing on the right.

Rule #1. Where is the waist? A woman's waist does not begin under her breasts.

Even Maddox, manly man and creator of the best site on the internet, says:

(Image from Maddox. And he's right.)

Not sure whether you want to look fat OR pregnant?

No worries! You can have BOTH! Look fat AND pregnant in our special ladies wear.

I can't decide whether it's the "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS!" patterns or the shapelessness of these ugly dresses that get me. In Walmart, these would be fru-frus but here they're sold as high fashion. I'm not fooled.

You can also look thin and ugly too.

Left: wrapping paper. Middle: plastic picnic tablecloth? Right: the tablecloth that can't make up its mind whether it's celebrating July 4th or St. Patty's Day. You might get your ass kicked though for not being sure.

Is shapeless is your goal? Got it covered.

I don't understand the one on the left. Which side is up?
At right: better than zebra stripes to ward off, um, EVERYONE. If you're terrified of meeting people, this is the perfect dress to activate their flight instinct and effectively render a 5-foot NO TOUCH zone around your entire body.

If I were a clothes buyer, I would kill the career of whatever fashion designer made the one on the left as sexy beach wear. Guideline: if it wouldn't appear on the cover of the Sports Illustrated bikini edition, it's not something men are fantasizing about seeing.

The NJ part of me (my roots go deep) actually does like the garish striped thing on the right. But I don't have the right fingernails to pull it off.

Someone was actually wearing the skirt on the left. It looks like a dishrag. The ugly dress in the middle looks like it belongs on June Cleaver. I thought we agreed that lime green & polka dots were better left in the 60s?

The ugly dress on the left has a bit of "bling" attached to it, what with the bone-like neckline. I could see how the middle might work if you had a huge bust, but again, the waist is made for preggers. The hideous monstrosity on the right, however, is tailored for measurements which I'm not sure actually exist on any real people. Can someone really be that large and, ahem, small, at the same time?

Um, don't answer that. I'm probably the first in line. lol. Word of advice: baby, if you've got back, like me, these are DEFINITELY not complimentary. (Perhaps that's why I'm enraged enough to devote an entire post to this meaningless and shallow subject.)

Shoes are not exempt! Look at these hideous things! I might understand the visual appeal for cruel shoes -- you want your feet to look hot (a gene I am apparently missing) -- but I'll never understand why anyone would want UGLY cruel shoes. Can someone please explain?

BTW I took an unofficial poll of the male population and 100% (both of them) agreed that a hot woman wearing a hideous shirt is still attractive. "She's just a pretty woman in an ugly shirt, is all," one said. "Clothes do come off," said the other. So maybe this enables the mistaken notion that these clothes might actually be desireable, I dunno.

Want more? Check out my view of the Spiegel catalog -->