TMI Thursday: blind date, and "guess what's in my fist??" game

This happened so long ago I'd almost forgotten. But between JeepGirl's Tuesday's Bad Dates and Andy's review on Cosmo's "He totally blew it when..." article, I have to share this completely terrible date for today's TMI Thursday.

My sister had set me up with a relative of a beau, a cute, funny, athletic, outgoing and talkative guy my age. I couldn't wait to meet him. We were going to watch a movie at her house since both of us had driven some distance to meet eachother, he from NYC and me from central Jersey -- her house was the halfway point.

We both arrived and conversation was easy enough. My sister disappeared and we promptly popped in a movie and plopped down on the couch.

Shortly into the film, he looked over at me, paused and then shyly put his arm around me. I shifted toward him and then noticed his hand was balled into a fist. Hmm, I thought. A fist? Maybe he's nervous? Or just has itchy palms?

Whatever. I dropped the thought and continued watching.

Two hours later, the movie's almost over and his arm had not moved. Nor had his fist - still tightly balled up and resting on my shoulders.

I found this kind of curious and asked him sweetly, "Is your hand ok?"

He looked sheepishly at his fist and back at me. "Um."

Long pause.

"Well..."

I waited patiently. I'm not a judgemental person. If he had a disorder turning his hand into a claw, fine. I turned and smiled encouragingly in his direction.

"See," he began.

Another pause.

Then he looked back at me and down at his fist again, grinned innocently and opened his palm.

Nestled comfortably inside was a condom, wrapped and ready... warm, even!

I just looked at it.

And he looked back at me hopefully. When I did not respond by tearing off my clothes his grin faded.

"Uh," he began awkwardly, "I just thought maybe... I mean, um. I know it's good to be prepared and stuff."

I looked at the condom and back at him. "And what made you think things might progress to that point?"

(Enter social skills 101: read Andy's 7 Steps to Hand Holding, which, by the way, preceeds kissing, which usually preceeds sex. With a whole lot more in between, like, um, a relationship.)

He stuttered, "Well, I've never been with anyone before."

I stared at him.

"I'm a virgin! I've never done it before."

I continued listening to his confessional, not believing a word.

"I mean, I just met you but I just knew YOU were the one. I can tell. There's something about you. I knew it when we first met*." (*2 hours and 7 minutes ago, after 6 entire minutes of deep conversation.)

I just about died laughing.

Um, ok. I've heard that before.

Well, that about blew it. (Should I submit my story to Cosmo?)

I spent the rest of the night in an awkward family conversation wondering when and where did he think it was going to happen (on the couch in my sister's living room while her kids looked over the balcony?*) and wishing I could teleport myself into another dimension. (*Doesn't this sound like a bizarre game of CLUE: "Where did it happen??" "In the living room with a stranger on the couch!!")

I don't remember the goodbyes but they couldn't come soon enough!

Borat's guide to dating:


"What sized gift will give me entry into her vagine?" (NOT the above! lol)

Also, see Tips for Virgins from the Bloggess.

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