Get the noose ready.

Last time I EVER do this.

So I'm doing a favor for a friend's friend's friend and will be feeding their cats while they go on vacation. Somehow I forgot that this included scooping turds. I know what goes in must come out but we're extraordinarily lucky and only need to scoop our own cat box once a week so somehow I neglected to imagine this as a part of the responsibilities when I said yes.

"So here are the two litter boxes. Drag these over to the toilets and empty the litter right there."

I have to touch them? The scoop is bad enough. Heave them awkwardly out of the closet and across the floor through multiple narrow doorways as they swing and bang into my legs, spilling litter on the way? Hmmm... not so sure about this.

"Now one of the cats doesn't like the litter box. He goes on the floor next to the toilet. So we'll just leave you paper towels and here's where we keep the spray cleaner."

(Nodding while hatching escape plan.) I have to clean crap off the floor? THEY clean crap off the floor? Who puts up with this? Hello? There are shelters for this kind of animal. When the ratio of ass care outweighs the endorphin release, it's bye-bye.

"And here's where you give them treats. They take their treats right here, on these little toy platforms. Four of these and 8 of these. Every day."

They measure their treats?? Twelve a day? PLUS the heaping bowls of food? No wonder both cats are fat as f*ck.

"And the water bowl upstairs! There's a bowl upstairs and a bowl downstairs but make sure both are full. The one upstairs seems to dry up more quickly so check it often."

Um, you're making life more difficult than it needs to be. Cats will drink wherever the water is. Why do people cater to their cats like this?

"Oh! And we like to fill the tub up with food, just in case there's an emergency. So this upstairs tub will be filled. Our last petsitter thought we didn't trust her but it wasn't that, we just like to play it safe. Oh we're so glad you understand."

Wha-? Were you saying something? Look, I checked out 20 minutes ago. I'm just nodding to get you to hurry the *&^% up so I can get home and write about this. Do what you want but don't expect me to deal with your subsequent insect (and rodent, if the cats are too fat to hunt) infestation.

"And can you play with them?"

That's about the only thing I was hoping to do, actually. At least until one of them just ensured an upcoming emergency room visit for cat scratch fever.

"And! Please text us every day. Let us know how they are doing!"

Oh god. I am going to hang myself now. You just spent 49 minutes telling me how to take care of your cats while you're away for 6 days. If it takes that long to detail their care plan, you're doing TOO MUCH! They're cats. Feed, water, play. Enough!!

So, anyone want a catsitting job?