Funny twitter updates, volume 3

@ResideCharlotte: Instead of Zillow emailing me to say how much my home dropped in value, they mailed a book of matches and a oily rag.

TheBloggess: True story: I just got an email from Sandra Bullock. She's in Nigeria & needs me to launder 5.5 million dollars. Things are looking up.



@Carissajaded: Ive eaten like 654651679845468798764 sunflower seeds and I'm still hungry. But my lips are HUGE!! #SexyBySalt #AngelinasSecret

@kellygo Gah, can you get bedbugs from a bar?

@isweatbutter: "I got such a wiff of someone's B.O. last night, I almost had to get a tetanus shot. It penetrated me like a rusty nail."

@sween: Everyone should entertain whims now and then. Whims get bored too.

@LookItsBRay: Her look is less "do me" & more "ouch, my neck hurts and these heels are killing me".

@USMC: To our USMC followers: We thank you for your good humor! Spelling mistakes happen sometimes...So no, there were no Marines in tights


@SnarkySAA: You would think a bunch of #archivists would pick a city with a little more humidity control. #saa10

@laughstooeasily: One if these days I'm going to remember not to stretch my arms up into the ceiling fan. Today is not that day.

@flortch: "I'd mortgage my balls to have you officiate vows renewal" Keep your balls; we take cash.

@ChrisThilk: Every time someone shortens "Thanks" to "THX" George Lucas gets $.05.

@Arsymective: if someone else interrupts my PB&J and fritos break, the Baron may have to smack a b*tch.

@Oatmeal: My last tweet caused their servers to go crappy-caca-kapow (that actual sound was made) Try it again in a few minutes and it should be ok


@sohear: My new fridge/freezer keeps looking at me in silence. We need to break the ice.

@richramirez1: I don't think I've ever seen a cute girl get in or get out of a Pontiac Gran Prix.

@Carissajaded: Alright. Finished The Secret. Now universe please send me another inspirational book. Less bullshit though.


@ganson: When I fixed my bike last night, I said I would ride to work today come "hell or high water". No hell yet, but we do have high water!

@isweatbutter: Today, I woke up and realized how thankful I am that my last name isn't 'Schatz.'

@richramirez1: Cat's out of the bag. Literally, not a metaphor. That sum bitch clawed his way right out of his bag.



@thordora: Why am I amused? RT @harringtonctv:Saint John Police attempting to negotiate with man who has strapped himself to an overpass in the city

@thordora: I'm not mean but...how do you strap yourself to an overpass?

Now, this was volume 3, view the
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