So, if you've been following my blog, you know I've been going through kindof a rough time lately after a breakup. This morning, while in a particularly morose mood, I decided to browse some of the singles ads on Craigslist just to see what was out there.
Note to self: IMPORTANT LESSON. If depressed about options, this will only make it worse.
Here were my favorite titles and snippets that stood out as especially dysfunctional or odd.
Ladies...make fun of my small penis!!!
"otherwise normal man who happens to have been blessed with a rather small friend."
(<-- um, wanting to be humiliated doesn't sound normal.)
Would you like a secret relationship that will pay your rent?
"A relationship that is safe, discreet, and financially rewarding."
(<--I believe this is called "prostitution.")
Breastfeeding - Do You Miss It?
"Milk or no milk. No sex wanted."
(<-- Who would actually advertise this?)
Married white male seeks cock deprived women
"Not looking to mess any marriages or relationship up...just looking for a steady fwb on the side to mix things up."
(<-- I don't know what an "fwb" is but I'm pretty sure it doesn't describe me.)
Only For A Day
But depression is ever present
It's always here to stay
Every single moment
Every single day
(<-- uplifting. Good sell.)
Where Are The submissive women?
"your place is not at my side, but at my feet."
(<-- good luck with that.)
I think thin is hot!!!
"want to date a super thin 98-110 girl."
(<-- yeah, you and the rest of the planet)
Any College Girls need a part time job?
"I am a normal guy who happens to enjoy the company of young and very sexually inclined college women."
(<-- also prostitution, right? But there were so many like these, I just stopped copying them here.)
Looking for a Girl Who Wants to Get Pregnant
"would like to meet a girl who isn't on birth control, doesn't want to be, and hopes that a great guy finishes inside her. She doesn't expect anything except for the joy of creating life with his seed."
(<-- ::shudder::)
Thinking of an affair? Me too...
I'm a 48 year old married man who is teetering on the edge of thinking about an affair.
(<-- Great line. Very appealing to the quality-minded.)
I Have a Very Large...
"ahem...I would like to show you. I admit, the pic here has experienced shrinkage and does not represent its full growth potential."
(<-- the number of ads portraying only physical attributes are astounding. As if women see a ripped dude and reflexively tear their clothes off.)
Daddy $eeking Baby
"I'm looking for someone who's available for an ongoing NSA "friendship.""
(<-- so, NSA apparently means "No Strings Attached," friendships, which seem common on Craigslist. Just another in the banal pay-for-sex category, but it stood out for the creepy title. Good lord, who wants roleplay daddy / baby in bed?)
all you ever wanted was to be loved,protected, and cared for
"If you long to be truly cared about,forget all the other garbage on here,drop me a line. Disclosure: I am married."
(<--This one gets points for trying to nail qualities people value but then springing the truth that none of those things would actually ever be possible because of that wee obstacle called "marriage.")
BUTT WORSHIP
"I'm looking for a woman who's into having their butt totally and completely worshipped. I want to be a slave to your butt. I want to smell it, taste it, stare at it and just make out with it."
(<-- lol! Well, knock yourself out.)
Who's Your Daddy
"I'm handsome, funny, and old enough to be the father you never really knew. You're young, beautiful, and a little confused. Don't listen to your therapist. Let's put the fun back into dysfunctional."
(<-- The shrink would have a lot to say about this one.)
Want to Live Together?
"Besides saving on rent, there are other benefits."
(<-- Smart. Skip the whole courtship phase.)
Sensuality without sex
My yearning for physical closeness is fulfilled by giving long. slow, tantric massages with no expectations for reciprocation. The massage is performed with warm oil, is full body, addresses every inch of the body and combines elements of meditation with sensual massage. It is performed in a solemn, respectful manner. It can be a sexual experience for the receiver (orgasms are common) but is not for the masseur.
(<-- This idea is so repulsive it makes me want to curl into a fetal position.)
Poor, Lonely Academic
Yeah, that's right -- I'm a poor, lonely academic who has neither the time to spend without his nose in a book nor the money to spend taking that nose elsewhere around town. Fucking hot, right? Want to cuddle while I/we read?
(<-- this might be the only one that actually stirred a neuron, which may be a warning sign for future in which I live alone with many cats.)
Looking for married female pseudo-sociopath
"Basically, looking for female version of me."
(<-- Don't wonder later why you always pick the insane ones. You literally ASKED for it.)
I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my life
Do I hold your hand? Do I kind of brush by it to see if you grab it? Or will you think I'm just uncoordinated? Do I reach out and put my arm around you during a romantic comedy? Is my deodorant working?
(<-- Heh, this was cute.)
Your panties at Ozios
"you excuse yourself to the ladies' room....and as you return and sit down again close to me, you slip your delicate, slightly moist, panties into the pocket of my blazer... and as we head different ways, we don't know if we'll see each other again."
(<-- do people actually do things like this in real life?)
Sensuous Senior seeks wealthy wench
I am seeking a wealthy woman to keep me in the style I want to become accustomed to. If you have a Krogen 44 or better yet a Fleming 55 motor yacht, that would be a plus. I would not turn up my nose at an Aeronca Champ either. In lieu of a photograph, please send a Dun & Bradstreet Report.
(<-- um, good luck with that.)
homeless man looking for a date and place to live
Please only respond if:
1) You are drop dead gorgeous
2) You make over 100K per year
3) You like sex
(<-- bwahahahahahaha!!)
Funny, Awesome Fat Guy Seeks Someone Special
"I am a funny, sweet, romantic, kind, good guy but yes I am fat. Now that doesn't mean I am slothful or lazy it just means I have been very bad to my body since...well all my life."
(<--This guy gets points for being honest and funny.)
Your Project
I am not a bed of roses for you to get excited about putting on your gardening gloves and sun hat to distract you from your empty life. I am looking for someone who already has hobbies and doesn’t need to fill that void. What I am trying to say is Have a Fucking Identity.
(<--While the bitter tone doesn't seem likely to net takers, this guy does have a point.)
I love natural/hairy women
"Women with hairy legs and bodies are more sensuous and loving by nature."
(<-- I'm not sure where the stereotype comes from but alrighty. There are worse things to base a relationship on.)
Why aren't you wearing panties today?
"Tell me. Since you know you want to."
(<-- I'd rather mention why I'm not wearing socks.)
Um, yeah. It's going to be a loooong while before I feel like dating any strangers, I think.
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