-- letters I write in my head

So, I'm always composing letters in my head. This usually happens as I'm falling asleep, I think of replies to emails, letters to rude clerks, notes of appreciation, and even random rants to no one in particular.

Here's an example of the stuff that swirls around my brain at the midnight hour (appropriate that it's almost midnight):

Dear Safeway:
I loved your delivery driver last week. He was so nice, carrying all the groceries into the house in the rain and even waiting when we weren't here yet because my senile ass forgot. All that and he wouldn't even accept a tip. Crap, I totally forgot his name but I hope you give him a raise anyway.
Sincerely, me

Dear Doctor's Office:
How can you, in good conscience, bill me for a late fee when I was only late 7 minutes, yet you made me wait an hour and 12 minutes last time I was here? You suck.
Sincerely, me

Dear [several people who are dealing with terrible losses or fighting severe health issues],
I've been thinking of you. I totally wish you could only know how much I think about you and that you didn't have to go through this so seemingly alone. Illness/loss sucks.
Love, me

Dear eyeglasses store:
I would totally come back to you for glasses this year because I love your selection but your technician George is so rude that I cannot stand to be in his presence. Even the way he answers the phone makes me angry. Fire him and I'll come back.
Best, me

Dear furniture store:
I really am just looking. Do not talk to me, do not trail me around the store and do not comment on pieces I linger around. Just because my eye falls on it does not mean I need to know it's origin and history from creation overseas to date. If you MUST introduce yourself, fine, but go away as soon as your name falls from your lips. When I have a use for you, I will find you. Until then, you are distracting me from your own end goal: imagining your furniture in my house. If you pester me too much, I will leave and never return. Besides, you look too desperate. The only thing you are missing is a fake limb and a streetcorner. So back off, 'k?
-me

Dear [every catalog that appears in my mail]:
You annoy me. Take me off your damn list!
-me

Dear dog:
No, you may not go out. You were just out for 5 hours. And now it's raining. I am not cleaning muddy paw prints off the carpet for the rest of the night. Suck it up.
-me

Dear website:
Just because your site is animated does not mean I will be impressed. I am looking for information. And why must I sign up? When you go to the store for eggs and milk, do you want to stand in front of a display case while milk rotates slowly before you can grab it? And then you can't checkout unless you establish a username and password? Customer needs analysis FAIL.
-me

Dear obnoxious driver:
You tailgated me aggressively down the freeway for 20 minutes despite two open lanes for passing. Why must you be such an a$!
-me

Dear charities:
You are totally awesome. Thank you for trying to make the world a better place. I wish I could support each one of you.
-me

Dear friend from high school,
Finding you is the best thing that happened to me this month! I totally love you. Let's catch up, I want to know all about living in Moscow, Mexico City and traveling the world. You rock! Sorry I suck and don't write back that much. It's this damn NaBloPoMo thing.
love, me

Dear dysfunctional roommate,
You and I both know you stole that jacket.
-me

Dear house:
You suck, why are you such a black hole of need?
-me

Dear plants:
I'm sorry I keep forgetting to water you. Come back from the dead and I promise I'll be better next week.
love, me

Dear husband:
There is actually an inner domestic goddess deep inside. I want to clean, vacuum and scrub until the entire house is sparkling. Sorry you can't ever tell.
love, me

To everyone,
I'm totally thinking of you, you're awesome. Thanks for stopping by.
love, blogrollandroll, who, even on bad days, is always trying to do her best.