funny tweets (archive 8)

I'm behind on my collection of funny tweets but here's a few until I get the next collection going!

TFLN (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

grantstavely: I will probably die polishing an unsent e-mail.

Ind1fference: after 2+ hours the kitchen set is assembled. Some assembly required, it was more like all assembly required

TheBloggess: Aw. My dad just opened a box of sex magazines with me on the cover. He said I looked "Very nice". Well, that's...awkward.

symigoddess: On my way to get a massage for Festivus - like Feats of Strength except I am totally going to let him win for 90 minutes

TFLN: (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

adamcarolla: I'm sick, but not too sick to go to Bill Simons to watch the games. Starve a fever, feed 9 Sam Adams to a cold.

NakedNikki: My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."

xenijardin: ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WEB TROLLS. IT TROLLS FOR THEE.

tstyles77: Every time I check the Oklahoma section of "People of Wal-Mart" and I'm not pictured, I think to myself, "You've done good, kid."

Higgins_J: I need to learn how to say "May the Force be with you" in Arabic.

jack_daniel: The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

tacone_:
█████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government #wikileaks

STACEYNIGHTMARE: This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone else’s screenplay.

JimGaffigan: Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.

NakedNikki: My kids are obnoxious tonight. So, just how does one go about throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This drain is looking kinda small.

jordanrubin: My ancestors never had a family crest, because there's no way to draw worrying, nagging, complaining and gassy.

TheStevenWeber: There's something emotionally satisfying about strangling fruit.

micahpearson: BTW: My mother said I'm a narcissist. Or, at least I *think* she did. I couldn't hear her over the sound of how awesome I am.

pourmecoffee: I bet the prison staff is asking Assange for help in setting up their router. This always happens to the computer guy.

austinkleon: "Validate my life choices or I will bite you." - everyone you know

someecards: I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

adamcarolla: If I hear another news story about "Don't ask don't tell". I'm going to fall on a sharpened cock.

NakedNikki: Simultaneously having a migraine and two children is nature's way of granting me empathy for species that eat their young.

kellyoxford: By the time you're 30 you realize that all of the important events in your life include stress diarrhea.

blogrollandroll: Almost walked into a dangling spider at a cast party, milliseconds away from unwillingly becoming most dramatic performance of the night.

jstogdill: China is like that 22 yr old still living at home in suspended adolescence.

TFLN: (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

papercup: Can I have a t-shirt that says "Nihilism is Pointless"?

cmglothlin: I feel like my life is complete. Tonight I gave another guy some of my own neuroses. This pride must be like what a new father feels.

Shpantzer: I did it all for the wookie #dojocon

JimGaffigan: “Um, is there any way we can get a table near the bullet hole?”

isweatbutter: There's one I've never heard on this show before... "WWII made me do it." #HOARDERS

mccanner: OH: "so is that your partner in the wood chipper, then?"

isweatbutter: Based on the number of times fire trucks have been by my house this morning, I'm estimating 8 families burned the bird. #Thanksgiving

NakedNikki: It's important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are fucking hilarious though.

plumbob78: I have achieved PANTS!

someecards: I want you to know that I often still think of you while we're having sex.

TFLN: (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

[see more! Funny Tweets archive]