"I'm within a 48-hour window of losing my S..." -Louis CK (sortof)

@MatthewBaldwin tweeted once: "Guy in front of me at the salad bar is assembling his lunch with the ease and speed of a man struggling through an LSAT exam."

If he hadn't said "guy" I would've thought he meant me.


me, carefully plucking lettuce leaves one by one

Having been born with an extremely sensitive stomach*, I am a nut about what I put into my body. Especially when it comes to the salad bar. I LOVE salad, but the number of people coughing under the sneeze-guard plus the number of items whose potential for doubling as giant petri dish makes me paranoid. I practice  exceptionally fervent vigilance in order not to spend the commute home maniacally zipping from one public restroom to another. (Although that was so much fun the last time I really should do it more often.)

I have a system down at the salad bar. Each leaf must be carefully examined. Any that are wilted, slimy or otherwise seething with disease is instantly rejected. Any dish containing a substance which remotely resembles meat is only acceptable within 4 minutes of being set out. Even then, color must be gingerly considered. If it happens to display the slightest tinge of gray, it will be rejected at once. Button mushrooms must be crisp and white. Brown or bruised fungi will not do. Shredded carrots should be a little dry; too moist and it's a trap. Anything where the juices should be clear, like chickpeas, but look cloudy, will nix their inclusion from my leafy array.

Yeah, so I'm a salad bar freak.

I don't act like this for no reason; it's a survival strategy. Louis CK said recently "I'm within a 48-hour window of a diarrhea attack at ALL TIMES. Every outing must be planned according to the proximity of restroom facilities." (Like my commute home!) I think we must be siblings or something. Or maybe he was the guy on line in front of the thrilled Mr. Baldwin.

Anyway, so as my special offering to you during Thanksgiving week, I bring to you my favorite upset-stomach stories from the intarwebs.

NSFWHEONBGO: Not Safe For Work, Home, Eating, Or Not Being Grossed Out.

You were warned:

• Four plates of mac-n-cheese? BAD idea...
  
  
• Why one bag is woefully inadequate for the middle seat pivot
  
  
• At Defcon 1? Heed the signs.
  
  
• 9.6
  
  
• Straight from the control room

Have a good week!


*Also? I don't have trouble anymore since I started eating so much yogurt. Twice a day, originally per doctor's orders and now just because it seems to work like nothing else. It's amazing.