@heysuburban: Lady, if you're doing lunges on the train, you don't get to snap at the dude who bumps into you, especially when he apologizes profusely.
@artful_username The locksmith is here. And the stupidity tax is mighty. Ow.
@dallendoug Ten of the first twenty tweets I see going through my stream this morning are about coffee. #sensingatrend
@Pres_Bartlet: It's 10am, and 'Drunk' is a trending topic on twitter in Washington D.C.
@sintixerr wow. this sleep thing was pretty awesome. i should do it more.
@heysuburban A small, frail old woman just screamed, quite loudly & right in my face, "WHERE IS THE ELEVATOR?" - repeatedly. Inexplicably terrifying.
@themadderhat Dear iPhone dictionary: I always mean "things." I never mean "thongs."
@sabl3t3k Beer o'clock is rapidly approaching.
@sabl3t3k cmd[sleep{now}]
@sintixerr OH: "did no one eat the uncooked meat?"
@blogrollandroll OH at work today: "Then we had this big discussion on whether competency is something we should aspire to."
@jordanrubin Lady Gaga says all the things I'm thinking but never say because I have a left side of my brain.
@Gwen_Hernandez Asked by swim coach as part of teaching moment: What's the Washington Redskins' biggest problem? One kid's answer: They suck.
@h1661n5 "Men turn into James Bond villains when they plan weddings. 'I'm gonna need 30 human skulls...for centerpieces...no plastic won't do.'"
@h1661n5 Men planning weddings: "shit man, if it were up to me, I'd just have sandwiches at the American Legion."
@JimGaffigan "Gym, tan, laundry". Wow. I'm like the opposite of that.
@SOcaM: I have to eat my yogurt so I get my parasites. M: I think you mean probiotics.
@nylonthread There's something wrong with my spell-checker. It didn't recognize butyrylcholinesterase, darned thing!
@b1sm The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.
@eaglesdc All 3 escalators at Dupont South metro appear to be working. In related news Satan just logged on to Amazon.com to buy ice skates.
@SteveLeveen Sign in bakery outside Boston: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."
@ClevelandPoet I suppose I didn't need the whole toenail on my big toe. Thanks for taking half of it desk leg.
@jadabradley Just prevented a woman from going into the men's room @busboysandpoets. Yes, I am saving the world bit by bit.
@TeleEroticist "I bite down on your nipple as hard as I can." "I smash your penis with the hammer of Thor." And he hung up. Pussy.
@JimGaffigan Why do they call it a 'Happy Meal' when it turns children into monsters?
@alpha1906 Ray Lewis just Terry Tated a man.
@ihatesomuch I hope I don't die tonight because my last text message said "I love your cock". And that would be sort of embarrassing.
@matthewbaldwin Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.
@ABC7Julie Nails = bitten
@Joan_Rivers I read that Snooki is an organ donor, which should make future recipients very happy since Snooki's body has never rejected anything.
@suzierobb right now i need: lunch, a nap, high thread count sheets and perhaps a snuggle. i'm 0 for 4.
@michaelianblack Mantra: Today I will do amazing things. Or eat pancakes.
@BenKenobisGhost How scared do you have to be of a book that the only response you can think of is "KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"
@sween Every time I start to question someone else's choices, I remember I wear cargo pants. And then I shut up.
@LivitLuvit Dear Self: Look, I know you like fun. But hot DAMN is it bad for you. Love, Your Ass.
@IamMademoiselle My liver just handed its notice in. Packed its bag and walked off down Oxford Street.
@iKarlie Nyquiled.
@mrgan Suggestion for Amazon: a big switch at the top of the page that says "I'm viewing this product as a joke, do not save to history."
@stevewhitaker If you want my body / and you think I'm sexy... Rod Stewart, master of the Boolean Seduction.
@sintixerr "the corset really brought out her...eyes..."
@amichaelberman My wife tried to phone my teen daughter on cell, no answer, but when I posted "please call" on her Facebook page the phone rang in 5 mins.
@kylecassidy one of the kittens renamed my hard drive ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
@Pollypoptart Lying in bed. Noisy flatmate has just started loudly "singing" the song Perfect Day.Ironically, the day has lost what perfection it had now.
@monkeyrotica Sign in bathroom: "Do not flush foreign objects in toilet." Domestic objects are still cool, right? Should I check their birth certificate?
@baconaut On consequences: For a very brief period in '95, I became apostate and stopped believing. Within thirty minutes, Steve Perry beat me up.
@TFLN (310): Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
@micahpearson I am changing my name to Mucus Fenix, squad leader of the Gears. Fighting the great snot horde.
@JayFerris 3 days of packing, lifting, and painful jerking. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.
@sween My wife scratched my head and I barked like a seal. It'd probably be more acceptable if this was due to a fetish, but it's just what we do.
@pixie658 today = BUILD ALL THE THINGS! :)
@quinncy "Miss talking to you. Parenting is trying to kill me. Are you tired? My eyelids look weird." This is all my friends and I email each other.
@sween Has anyone told the Pakistani flood victims John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting a baby boy? It would probably cheer them up.
@quinncy My mouth ran away from my brain today. AGAIN. At what age can I expect that to stop happening?
@TheBloggess It's nice to see that there's a #twitterprom because there really weren't enough dances in high school that I didn't get invited to.
@h1661n5 Facebook just suggested I like music, since many people who like movies also like music. #duh
@darthvader Ruling the galaxy w/ an iron fist is great and all, but what I really want is to direct.
@micahpearson Despite the advertising, I *can* believe it's not butter.
@joshlos Not sure why "Stayin' Alive" just showed up on my early-90s Pandora station, but its powers have rendered me defenseless to thumb it down.
@michaelianblack Just learned that Tallahassee is an old Seminole word meaning, "Trailer park."
@h1661n5 #using #hashtags #ofanykind #attracts #spammers #like #crazy
@FakeeEtiquette It is rude to post a dating-site profile picture that actually looks like you.
@whisper1111 a nation breathlessly awaits glenn beck's "i have a scheme" speech.
@TheBloggess So apparently *I'm* the only one getting the "You have parasites" ad while everyone else is getting an ad for Gap jeans. Yay, self-esteem!
@isweatbutter Today I am thankful that I don't live in a city named Placenta.
@heysuburban I just got out of a cab & a man yelled "SNOOKIE!" & I want to cry.
@kylecassidy I am covered in kittens and working on War Paint. There will be photos.
@isweatbutter My g/f is oddly entertained by the fact that when you Google "ill fitting triple panty," I'm the 1st search result. Thank you #ProjectRunway
@ThatKevinSmith Via @VitaminD82 "ever thought about working with de Niro or Pacino" Closest that'd get to happening'd be if I opened a Lawn Mowing business.
@richramirez1 People say you can't love your kids anymore than you already do. BS, I love my kids much more after 9am and much less prior.
@ihatesomuch And then the man sang "this is how we do it" and my panties threw themselves at the stage.
@TheBloggess Also, I need an exorcist. A plague of scorpions, mold, 3 pets dead in 24 hours. I suspect the house was built on an Indian graveyard.
@jstogdill OH (On dating after divorce): it's nice to go out with someone who likes you.
@TeleEroticist I just threw up while talking on the phone. I guess I'm sicker than I thought? He didn't hang up until I was done though. What a gentleman.
@katyray Should I feel awkward that there's a calisthenics class going on w/in ten feet of me while I eat my sandwich?
@unsuckdcmetro Man appears to be drinking beef stew, or other dark flavor chunky soup, from a clear, wide guage sippy bottle.
@OneFineJay Everything is better—wait for it—fried: RT@ IEatMousetraps There are French fried toenail clippings on eBay. What. The. Fuck.
@ofthebad "Unicorns are just horses that can stab people."
@jordanrubin My Jewish mother always told me that if I put my mind to it, I can't accomplish anything.
@anya1anya: Art school isn't the only way to make connections. Its merely the most expensive.
@Taracita Perusing the statuettes in the gift shop and lamenting the poor quality. They just don't make graven images like they used to.
Now, this was volume 4, view the
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