funny twitter updates, volume 1

Today I bring you a collection of some of my favorite Twitter updates. I started compiling this list a while ago. (Have any to suggest? Email me: blogrollandroll@yahoo.com )

I have vomit on my pants, and it's not mine. @ganson

Opened my fireplace damper last night. First time this year. Two tiny dead birds fell out. Like a slot machine where the prize is 500 tears. @wailinglist

Fellow patient in waitng rm has 10 inch nails, painted blood red. Her hands hover over purse as nails search for insurance card @kellygo

It's pretty clear that even if a horse was in my nose I couldn't pick it. @jeffLandou

Overheard in the Newsroom #2949: Deskmate on our 13-year-old computers: “Hey, I could throw this thing a Bar Mitzvah!” @h1661n5

Had the "basic training" dream again, the twist this time was it was
on post-terraformed Mars. Even in my *dreams* I'm a huge nerd. @h1661n5

Should write a book for the Twitter age entitled "No One Cares What You Ate Thirty-Seven Seconds Ago." @maggie

I wouldn't say I'm "married" to my work, but we're definitely fucking the shit out of each other. @jordanrubin

And the crowd goes mild. @leemathews

If anyone needs me, I'll be doing lines of vitamin D off the toilet seat. @JayFerris

Then there are a whole slew of updates from @matthewbaldwin who I do not know personally but was one of my first subscribed feeds:

In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis.

Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting.

Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight.

How my cat manages to vomit every ounce of food he ingests onto my carpet and yet remain obese is the greatest mystery of our time.

Today I went to both the dentist and the auto shop. Mouth cost 6x more to fix and doesn't even have air conditioning.

Car won't start. Fortunately it's the starter and not the battery, so you can still listen to the radio while sitting there sobbing.

Guy in front of me at the salad bar is assembling his lunch with the ease and speed of a man struggling through an LSAT exam.

Scott McClellan's new book, summarized: "I totally didn't know I was lying those 630,000 times."

Yes! Managed to work the word "flaccid" into every work email I sent today!

Trying to keep this meeting on point is like trying to catch a feral opossum with a plastic grocery bag

Went running for the first time in--jeeze, like 6 months? Long story short: unpleasantness ensued."

Skipped lunch. Now hungry. Could be some connection; remember to
investigate later.

F YOU MIDDLE-AGE PAUNCH, I'M DRINKIN THIS SECOND CAN OF COKE!

A sampling of mine (when I'm not obsessing over the moon, like earlier): (@blogrollandroll)
That's funny, it doesn't taste infected.

Looking at photo, me and x simultaneously shriek "she looks like Nathan Lane!" which I suppose is not really a compliment.

People using the search terms "behold the great elephant," "rodent hair in tuna," and "ginormous boobs" all found my blog today. huh.

Dear self: why are u carrying a toilet handle in yr bag?

So glad no one was in the bathroom just now when I slammed my funny bone and collapsed in agony. That might have looked weird.

Wait. Dogs don't have a cud, what is he chewing on after burping so much? Nevermind. I don't want to know.

My life has just changed forever. There is a "Society for the Protection & Preservation of the Fruitcake"??

Found THIS scribbled on bedside table, after a dream last night: "I can't believe they're going to try paying for that with ectoplasm." wth?




Now, this was volume 1, view the
Funny Twitter updates (ARCHIVE) -->