isweatbutter "Give me some chocolate or I. Will. Cut. You."
anthropocon At the store I saw carrots packaged to be handed out on Halloween. Might as well just hand out eggs and paint a bullseye on your house.
tstyles77 I just witnessed a chicken crossing the road. I now have concrete evidence why they do it. To get to the other side & stare back wistfully.
suzierobb 10 hours of sleep and still sick. The chance of me being a legit zombie by Halloween is getting serious.
rbok Humpers gonna hump.
CristinGW Driving is evidently a water soluble skill.
h1661n5 Saw a car that said "Agapé Driving School" I hope their motto is "How Would Jesus Drive."
sintixerr "Do you want bar food, or a real dinner?" "Uhm. What's the difference?"
dallendoug my mom's laptop blue-screened the morning after she was looking art the macbooks. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
heathermg It's like looking at the plans for paradise... RT @sintixerr Brownie win: http://yfrog.com/ngmmpxj
wilw Dog: I HAVE A TOY! Me: Neat! Dog: DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME! Me: Okay. Dog: WHY AREN'T YOU TRYING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?! Me: Oh. Right.
FakeeEtiquette It is rude to link to a picture of something from Japan that isn't weird or disturbing.
suzierobb "maybe you have a deviated septum!" "it's been deviated by a beer bottle and a couple of fists."
h1661n5 OH: "I hate military porn. They never get the uniforms right."
isweatbutter "You can take the fetus out of New Jersey, but you can't take the New Jersey out of the fetus." #Southpark
mccanner Not entirely sure what went on in Erin sleep land last night, but the comforter was on the other side if the room when I woke up. #zombies?
tremaine: PhilosoRaptor speaks! If tomatoes are a fruit, isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?
lauriewrites Every time you bitch-tweet about Foursquare, a user who doesn't care gets a badge.
sintixerr How not to wake up: slip, slide feet first down stairs top to bottom and bowl into guitar attempting to turn off fill blast stereo
tstyles77 "Man Killed After His Car Strikes Cow." He wasn't killed during the wreck. He was killed when the cow shot him after he asked for ins info.
sween As Winston Churchill once said, "Wait a minute -- I never said this."
kylecassidy Dear spammers: Your "The IRS has rejected your return!" spam might work better if you sent it out during TAX TIME.
armsakimbo Chose to walk to work. Passed a fat woman naked from the waist down. Seriously, what could be next?
h1661n5 Okay #iTunes, tell me how one gets from Prokofiev's "Carnival of the Animals: Fossils" to Three 6 Mafia's "Poppin My Collar."
armsakimbo Today's mood has officially been elevated to "Scorched Earth"This was volume 5. See:
ihatesomuch Its 7 am, I slept 12 hours last night and I'm already fucking exhausted. Gonna be a peachy day.
Veronica OH: "I've been down that road before, and it ends in a cul-de-sac of pain."
iKarlie Is it possible to die from being awake too early?
ihatesomuch You know youre having a bad day when a fucking katy perry song makes you cry.
5tevenw I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.
micahpearson Dear Chili Cheese Half Smoke Hot Dog. You were good to me once. Please stay my friend.
someecards One quality I'm not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.
LivitLuvit Job: interviewed. Apartment: cleaned. Dentist: en route. Monday, consider yourself pwned.
funnyhumour I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.
heysuburban Don't eat Third Degree Burn Doritos & then touch your eye. But also, just don't eat Third Degree Burn Doritos.
sivodd Horror flicks + knitting = Relaxing Sunday morning
ebertchicago Why do so many conservatives hit the best-seller lists?h1661n5 @ebertchicago Small words and large print.
ihatesomuch And then someone at my table yelled "I didn't douche the other times!" And I knew it was going to be a good night.
quinncy Chamomile tea, can I get some sense of when you'll give me that relaxed sense of well-being the box illustration promised?
God_Damn_Batman Jackass 3D? Really? If you want to see idiots get maimed in 3D just follow me around for 20 minutes.
thordora Why does writing feel like constipation sometimes? All clogged up, with the knowledge that an explosion is imminent.
talkingtostones "Gnawing hunger" really is an apt description. And ironic, too, in its reversibility.
pakgwei I will bitchslap the next person who asks me if they can call me. Dial the frickn phone. If I don't want to talk, I wont answer.
h1661n5 Don't get smug when you use a word that someone else doesn't understand; you're failing as a communicator for the sake of self esteem.
heysuburban I spent a full minute trying to get into my car before I realized: I don't have a baby! Or a backseat full of crap! This isn't my car!
mccanner If the sweet nothings you whisper include knowing the difference between "type" and "font," I may attempt to marry you on the spot.
TeleEroticist I just bet someone 5 minutes of phone sex if Don doesn't break up with Faye in the next episode of Mad Men.
OneFineJay After 1st batch starved to death. RT @DCeventjunkie: Demand for 'Twitter consultants' on the rise.
sabl3t3k I refuse to participate in this thing called morning without coffee.
isweatbutter "That dress is sadness personified. You hit that with a rock." #ShitMichaelKorsSays #ProjectRunway
sintixerr I feel like I should say something about art, or security, but all I really want to do is bitch about having an allergic reaction to my cats.
WhySharksMatter "Large crocodiles don't move very much and they eat people, making them difficult study subjects" #GreatTextbookQuotes
PraxisUniversal Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 300 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
Superheropaul I'm so tired today that all i wanna do is crawl home from work on my hands and knees and be fed chocolate until I sleep.
mccanner We already live in the future I care most about: the one where I can get spicy tofu delivered to my door so I can stay inside on a rainy day
LivitLuvit Dear Gmail: YES, I AM AWARE I AM TYPING AN EMAIL IN THE TRASH, thanks to your 9,276 pop-up warnings while I did it. I will pop-up YOU.
heysuburban I dreamed that I slept on an air mattress that was much more comfortable than the air mattress I slept on.
denisleary Chrysler finds workers are smoking weed and boozing on the job. Finally - an explanation for the Cordoba.
blogrollandroll OH at work today: "Then we had this big discussion on whether competency is something we should aspire to."
dancingthruDC Love getting to say, "I'd love to, but I have a #poledancing class that night." I already feel like a badass.
jordanrubin Lady Gaga says all the things I'm thinking but never say because I have a left side of my brain.
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