The ass is out of the bag. (TMI Thursday)

Today's TMI Thursday comes from an anonymous guest blogger:
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Back in college, I had a semester that almost crushed me. Classes rung me out until I was nothing but a burger-eating husk. I ate nothing but red meat and ramen. Not a single vegetable or molecule of fiber passed my lips. Fluids? I was too cheap to pay for water and so, like a specialized desert mammal, I derived all necessary moisture from food. (This is what happens when I'm under stress -- I put myself absolutely last on the "To Do" list.)

And so one day I was in the john and suddenly realized with alarm that it looked like a shark attack had occurred in the toilet. I immediately called the doctor.

After a very uncomfortable exam in which my ass was ripped open for optimal viewing, a followup colonoscopy was scheduled for a deeper look.

My unsympathetic employer required a doctor's note for any time off, no matter how little. And so I asked the office to fax the note over and went for the test.

Everything was fine. I was just eating like an idiot. (Note: fluids, fiber, and abstinence from red meat are your friend.)

I got to work for my next scheduled shift a week later and five people accosted me as I walked through the door. "OMG! Are you OK?? What's wrong??" I blinked. "Um, nothing, why?" "Well, we got your NOTE. And we were soOO worried about you."
"What note?" I asked (having suppressed the previous week's ass trauma deep into my subconscious).

We looked at each other for a moment.

Now, I worked in a very small and intimate office where everyone knows EVERYTHING about eachother... except maybe who's ass is bleeding.

Until now.

They showed me the note.

Faxed into the company machine in the most public area of the entire office is this:

To Whom it May Concern:
Re: me

Please be advised that [me] is under my care. She was referred by me to Shore Gastroenterology for treatment of rectal bleeding.

Sincerely,

Richard A. IjustThrewMyPatientUnderABus


The cat was out of the bag. Or maybe I should say the ass was out of hiding!

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