-- WTF News Wednesday

So in between packing up my entire life and every unfinished project I've started in the past decade (I WILL get them done in Arizona, dammit!), semi-relocating, minor house reconstruction, and laying out an ill-defined yet redundant report (because I need more on my "to do" list), I decided to take a complete break from all obligations and horf down dinner without one hand also on the keyboard. Tonight I allowed myself a favorite guilty pleasure: reading during dinner.

I hulked over plate and paper and devoured both. The fourth time I burst out with commentary, I thought good god, I have got to share these!
And so for you, dear reader, I have WTF News Wednesday.

1. Food fail: A Harvard engineer has invented a special inhaler ("Le Whif") smelling of chocolate that allows you to save calories on your indulgence by simply spritzing your mouth with cocoa scent. $2 for 4 puffs.

Are they kidding? This would just make me need to eat a block of the real stuff the size of my skull. Fake chocolate does NOT cut it. Trust me. I've tried Viactive chocolate calcium chews, "chocolate" mints, Dove singles, miniature candies, you name it. The body understands when it's being gyped of the full 400 calories. Tease it with lesser offerings and it will exact revenge with a craving so powerful and intense it will turn into an out-of-body experience. You will rise from your chair mid-afternoon, driven by an unseen, uncontrollable force and seek the unmatched soul mate of the lonely 2 calories you just inhaled. Invention FAIL.

2. Huge library fine: Someone found an old dictionary that their uncle had borrowed from the Lyn Public Library in Ontario in 1899 but never brought back. So the nephew returned it. The late fees came to $9,000+ but were waved. The library had a good sense of humor about it.

My thoughts: you mean you actually had a record of this thing still in the system?? Database WIN.

3. And in the "Um, I believe you have more pressing concerns" dept: An Illinois man is outraged that his murderer wife's mug shot was taken without her Islamic head scarf. She is charged with beating her 2-year old niece to death. "Police," he said, "are going to be in big trouble for violating her modesty."

Didn't she give up her rights when she took someone else's right to live? Sympathy elicitation FAIL.

4. Fir tree grows in lung: Artyom Sidorkin of Russia went into surgery for what doctors thought was a large malignant lung tumor. Instead they found and removed (gory photo warning)a 2-inch fir tree growing in his lung. The surgeon thinks Sidorkin inhaled a seed.

A FIR tree?? Comprehension FAIL.

5. Passenger lands plane: A passenger in Florida landed a twin-engine plane after the pilot passed out and died. How did they know? I guess the plane was flying erratically? Or do twin-engine planes not have a separate cabin for pilots? Thank-God-It-Didn't-Happen-To-Me WIN.

6. President's temper tantrum: In a very mature move, the president of Bolivia, Evo Morales, went on a 5-day tantrum hunger strike until legislature approved the changes he wanted in election law. Lawmakers opposed the law, saying it would give him too much power so he stamped his feet until they relented "spent 5 days sleeping on a mattress in the floor of the presidential palace chewing coca leaves to dampen hunger pangs." Leadership Skills FAIL.

7. Then the "Oops, my bad, I meant to mention that" dept: German pop star Nadja Benaissa was arrested for having unprotected sex with three men without telling them she was HIV positive. One of them reportedly contracted HIV. (Careful with whom you cavort!) Hot chick oops! FAIL.

8. Bird flu hysteria: A strain of bird flu is infecting kids under 3 yrs old in Cairo, Egypt and experts think that adults are possibly acting as carriers without getting sick, meaning the virus is mutating. World-Will-Not-End Reassurance FAIL.

9. Pedophile marries 8 yr old girl: A 47 yr old man in Saudi Arabia has married an 8-yr old girl, despite protests from the UN and human rights groups. Saudi court, in their infinite wisdom, said this is ok as long as the marriage is not consummated until the girl hits puberty.

There are so many things wrong with this story I don't even know where to begin. Why is a man marrying a child? How is this even allowed? What are the events leading up to this? Is this a record-breaker or are 8 year olds regularly marrying in parts of the world? What did the pedophile hubby say to the court -- that he choose her for her magnificent housekeeping abilities? And if the pact is not honored (I can't believe it will be) who will know? Who will protect her? I feel very very sorry for that little 8 year old girl. Human Rights FAIL. **UPDATE 4/30/09: She's been allowed a divorce. Yay!!

10. When "Cozy" really means "tiny": Someone's made a 65-square-foot home called the XS house, only $37,000. Really? Even a unabomber shack would have to be larger. I mean, where would you store all your ammo? Reality FAIL.

11. Bathroom emergency on flight: This last one is my personal favorite for its visual effect:

"A plane passenger suffering a bathroom emergency was jailed after he insisted on using the restroom in business class. Jaoa Correa, 43, of Ohio was on a Delta Air Lines flight when his intestines went into revolt. He found the aisle blocked by a beverage cart, so he raced toward the bathroom in business class. A flight attendant tried to block him, and in desperation, he pushed past her. Correa was later arrested. "I'm devastated," he said, explaining that when you gotta go, you gotta go."

WTF did they think was happening? Would the stewardess have preferred he squat and explode all over her shoes? When you gotta go, you gotta go WIN! (See more stories of bathroom emergencies gone awry at the Irritable Colon Twitter feed. Warning: extremely descriptive stories there; NOT pretty to imagine...)

And that, my folks, is WTF News Wednesday. Now back to moving/cleaning/report-writing/rearranging life!

ps. When looking for an image to accompany this post, I typed "WTF" into Google's image search and got this, a true WTF embodiment!