-- hideous clothing, at a store near you

This year's clothes are absolutely hideous. Dan and I were browsing in a store when we came across some absolutely awful styles.

I tried two pieces on just for you, dear readers. I bring you:

The trash can cozy. Does anyone really think this is flattering in any way? It's maternity clothing! Like the old Barbizon modeling school ads that inquired "Do you want to be a model or just look like one?", THIS asks: "Do you want to BE pregnant or just look like it?" Last I checked, this false pretense wasn't something most women wanted to assume. Dave Barry once said that the only safe way to ask a woman if she is pregnant is if you actually see the baby emerging from her at that exact instant. Knowing this, why would anyone want to wear a shirt that makes people stop and stare, and wonder "when is she due?"


Uzbeki marching band outfit:
And this. (Shudder.) This hideous thing looks like something I'd wear while commanding an angry marching band at an Uzbeki country music riot.

That's all I tried on, but I have a few more pieces for you:
I don't care how great your legs are. It's still a dish towel and is not attractive.

Only a few people could get away with this look. Carol Burnett, the local librarian, the haiku-spouting momma rabbit in some children's tome (you know there is one somewhere), and anyone old enough to remember what life was like before TV.

As I said, polka dots are not easily pulled off.

But this! This looks like someone sewed up a Motel 6 curtain and wrapped it around their body. Wha--? Someone chose this? The chain link pattern only adds to the story, revealing mostly that it's from an older motel and smelling of cigarettes and broken dreams.

I overheard two women pawing over the clothes distastefully. One of them said, "Gosh, why are this year's fashions so loud and ugly?"

That's exactly what I've been trying to figure out!