Funny Christmas tweets

blithespirit Okay, fess up-- who's responsible for this? Which one of you asked Santa for "six to ten inches" for Christmas?

ihatesomuch just wrote "i can't wait until we have sex" on the back of one of my christmas cards. glad i'm upholding the religious integrity of it all.

DateMeDCBlog Most of our conversation this holiday has centered around feeding the dog ham and his resulting farts. Yeah, we keep it classy.

Miss_MOTHRA So a fat man in red flying a sleigh equals yay. A beautiful giant moth flies by and it's all missiles and gunfire. I see how it is.

kellygo Just mused aloud in front of squabbling kids, "Do you think Santa is just waiting for kids to mess up so he doesn't have as much to carry?"

LivitLuvit Dude, xmas shopping is a work out. I feel like I went for a run or something.

evilamy Wrapping presents, listening to Rammstein. DU! DU HAST! DU HAST GIFTS!

ShitMyDarthSays "About Xmas: I got stuck in the North Pole last night so I opened up a fat man with my lightsaber and slept in his belly. My bad."

ihackinjosh Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. "With love, WikiLeaks"

pattonoswalt "My family sucks, I'm drunk, fuck Jesus and Santa, I'm fat." -- me and all my friends' Christmas Tweets.

NakedNikki I got my born-again mother an FML shirt for Christmas. Telling her it means Father, My Lord.

noblelawyer Nothing says "You're fat & dress funny," like a gift of sketchers shape-ups.

noblelawyer Because nothing says 'stress free' like sharp scissors pointed at my groin.

FakeAPStylebook "Now I Have a Machine Gun: Ho Ho Ho" is not an acceptable headline for the drunken mall Santa rampage story.

darthvader On the 9th day of #Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me... 9 Admirals choking.

TeleEroticist Barely Legal: "Have you ever gone to the mall to sit in Santa's lap just to tease him?" "No..." "You should." Christmas is ruined.

Happy holidays!!

--> See the rest of my funny twitter update ARCHIVE here.