Funny Twitter updates, volume 2

My favorite recent funny twitter updates (volume 2 of funny twitter updates! Link to volume 1 below):

@h1661n5: "Show me on the doll where Fort Meade touched you."

@adamcarolla: Watching my daughter playing with her ipad. I had an ipad when I was her age, it was called an etch-a-sketch. #freakout

@jeremyscahill: They said people traveling WITH small children may board, not people who travel LIKE small children.

@darthvader: Tell me why you should be the 6000th person I follow and make it good or the Earth gets it.

@TeleEroticist: CBT Line. It doesn't stand for cognitive behavioral therapy.

@landismom: Potato: "Why do they call it a field trip? You don't go to a field, and you don't trip."

@Pollypoptart: Colleague to me: "the only person I know with more sordid stories than you is my mate Fraser." Me: "is he hot?" #priorities

@LivitLuvit: I've realized I specify who people are by using their Twitter handles as their last name. Ex: "You know... Maxie @ihatesomuch."

@ClevelandPoet: and just like that the momentum I thought I felt crumbles and falls away.

@frijolita: Its an escalator, touristas. Not a cyborg. No need to approach it w extra caution.

@JimGaffigan: My neighbor just committed suicide. So weird. I was just talking to him yesterday. I told him no one loved him.

@capitalweather: Wednesday's Digit: 3/10 - Broken-record heat, humidity & storm chance is not only uncomfortable, but also kind of boring at this point.

@TFLN (662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

@floogee: Red line slow today due to an earlier incident. I define that incident as the moment #wmata went into business.

@darthvader: I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

@OneFineJay: Late good morning y'all! It's Monday. I usually have a hate-hate relationship with Monday, but today I feel non-commital.

@quinncy: Dear Hell, you now hold less fear for me. Signed, person currently enjoying Los Angeles weather.

@micahpearson: Express is about to do their "Best of" issue. I want to do the "Best 5 places in DC I got food poisoning"

@Ind1fference: at Cracker Barrel ordering everything on the menu twice

@ihatesomuch: Regret and shame, its what's for breakfast.

@ClevelandPoet: I'm trying to make this day not have a fail but damn is it kicking and screaming the whole time.

@axidentalredhed: "I saw this sign the other day that said, 'this door must remain closed at all times.' And I was like, 'dude, you're thinking of a wall.'"

@quinncy: If you've commented on my blog and it's not there, it's not me. It's Blogger and it's everyone. Beatings will commence at sunup.

@Pollypoptart: Have now entered the insane stage of sleep deprivation. Hallucination. Just thought I saw a bra on my desk... there wasn't.

@noblelawyer: I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants - saw on a friend's key chain last night.

kierduros: @pakgwei Seriously? Dude, how do you run into these people? You've got a gift. (And I hope you have a receipt so you can return it.)

@joeldavidmoore: This just in: Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

@JimGaffigan: I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

@kylecassidy: Beacon St.: I stare back, dumbfounded, at a guy barking "my life has changed you moron!" in my face-then realize he's on a Bluetooth phone.

@h1661n5: Just saw a wireless network named "dungeon" and another named "kitchen" and wondered if they were in the same house and, well, whoa.

@flipflopsinrain: Most awkward auto correct ever: when 'well, fuck' becomes 'we'll fuck'. Sent by your brother.

@jadabradley: Your call will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

@danecook: I'm so glad I'm not married to my work because I'd definitely bang other jobs behind it's back.


@h1661n5: "Holy shit dude, running security at Pride sucked. Was like being a kindergarten teacher. 'Don't drink all that! Put your pants back on!'"

@richramirez1: Kids slept in till 8am. They can do what ever they want today. Kill the dogs, shoot firearms, cock fight, drink tequila, watch porn. enjoy

@heysuburban: "Is this based on a true story?" "It's called 'Paranormal Activity, what the fuck kind of true story could it be based on?"

@ihatesomuch: the amount of cleaning i did today makes me want to marry myself.

@LivitLuvit: I just caught myself thinking: "I should wash a load of linens on Saturday"... and then a piece of my soul died.

@matthewbaldwin: I rarely have the satisfaction of a job well done, so I've grown content with the satisfaction of a job ... well, "done".

@ihatesomuch: Just threw away some of my dishes instead of washing them. Its that kind of day.

@matthewbaldwin: I believe the children are our future. That's why my experimental time machine uses their blood as fuel.

@jadabradley: I decided to give myself the treat of sleeping in. The neighbors decided to have a shouting match. Clearly we are not on the same page.


@sween: Me: "Wanna snuggle?" Wife: "Ugh. Fine." [Snuggles up.] Me: "This is my favorite part of the day." Wife: "I have vomit in my mouth."

@ganson: Watching my coworkers using computers is like watching a caveman who just discovered fire. Lots of grunting and someone is getting burned.

Now, this was volume 2, view the
Funny twitter update (ARCHIVE) -->

Any funny tweets to suggest? Either put in comments or email me (blogrollandroll@yahoo.com) and I'll include in my next volume. Thx!