Today's entry, which has nothing to do with anything other than making me laugh, is from Quinn Cummings at The QC Report. She asked her readers "What should couples do to determine compatibility before actually dating?" My favorite replies:
"Spend 10 mins in a two person kayak. it's make or break almost immediately." - Mel
"To determine compatibility, I think nothing beats taking someone to the Emergency Room. You learn a lot about someone when you are bleeding profusely, waiting for them to transport you to the Land of Lidocaine, watching them figure out what to do for you.
"Are they the kind of person who is decisive enough to know when you need a doctor and when ice and a drink will suffice, and if it requires an ER visit, are they the kind of partner that can locate their car keys, your health care card, and some chocolate for the road, and has the forethought to grab change for the lobby coke machine, a book to read while they wait, and your purse and cellphone, or are they going to let you bleed half to death while they fumble around the house vaguely wondering if you 'need anything'.
"Nothing proves whether or not you are meant to be a team like an emergency situation." - Kristin..............................
"Have Sex First. Nothing like spending tons of time finding out you're mentally compatible and then spending 10 minutes to discover that sexually you are on different planets. Chemistry NOW, compatability in the morning." - Anonymous
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"Take a road trip overnight. Is your partner a nag about driving, speed, directions, etc? does your musical taste jive? can you sustain a conversation - or, can you handle the silence in comfort? what about sleeping accommodations? activities - lots of physical stuff, just eating, see the sites or relax in the room?" - Char
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"I recommend antique stores and flea markets. If you can look through endless amounts of old, dusty crap and listen to each other say "I remember this" or "my mother has that" and the ever popular "They want $120 for this Acme widget? I donated that to Goodwill in the original box, arrrgh!" about 10,000 times in an afternoon, you're on to something. And if you can silently shake your head as he's looking at beer cans, bite your tongue when he purchases 12 really good ones, tell him they're great or pretty or interesting and still think he's awfully cute as he carries those nasty (but carefully wrapped) things out of the store, he's probably a keeper." - Karen
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"You're showering together. Unlike those sexy movie scenes, the person who's not directly under the spray gets shivery: not "ooh-how-romantic" shivery but rather "I'm getting goosebumps on my goosebumps" shivery. Do you slip and slide around, risking life and limb to take turns soaking in the warmth? Do you postpone until you can order a second shower head? Do you give up on the whole sexy shower thing?
"And just as you reach...uh, agreement, the bathroom doorknob rattles. A thin, young, hysterical voice shrieks from the other side of the door; the only words you can make out are "spilled" and "broken," plus gabble that sounds suspiciously like "blood." Oozing beneath the door is a puddle of apple juice.
"If you can complete this scenario with everyone smiling, you win. Bonus points for cleaning up the juice so well that nobody's feet stick to the floor." - Josita
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"I recommend attending a large family gathering in the hometown of one of the participants. This combines travel arrangements, dealing with family, dressing appropriately, and handling uncomfortable questions. For illustration:
"I may not have told the entire truth about how long this family wedding was going to take. But my mother provided a very accurate timeline as we were leaving for the ceremony. Oops.
"Where is this country church exactly? Oops.
"No don't wear that, my mother will hate it.
"Don't tell my mother about that one thing. Or about that other thing. Or that either. And no one mention that thing about my uncle ever.
"No, I'm not acting weird. Why would you say that? I always act this way around my family. It's fine.
"Are you sure you want to drink that much? My aunt's been watching how many times you go to the bar.
"Why does my cousin want to beat you up exactly?" - Ashuality
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"I think surviving "The Holidays" is a really good test of a relationship. "Your families house or mine?", "Big dinner at noon, or at 6:00/", "Can we squeeze in both, or is your families celebration an all day, can't miss a minute, extravaganza?", "Turkey or Ham?" "Open the presents on the Eve or the day?", " "Everyone, including crazy Uncle Joe is invited or just an intimate gathering or the immediate family?"
"If you can survive the Most Wonderful Time of The Year, I say your golden!" - Trish
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"Having attempted this feat more times that I would like to count, I am convinced that you should never, ever, choose a long term partner until you have attempted to assemble a piece of furniture from Ikea....
"Your day begins around 10:30am, by taking a trip to Ikea to pick out a desk, you know..the kind that has 50 faux wooden pieces that are attached together with 100 tiny pieces of hardware. First you must choose a desk, agreeing on the style and function. Once the desk is chosen, you load up your vehicle with the ten (or so) boxes. When you get home, you unload the boxes and sort the pieces, quickly realizing that you forgot to buy the hardware (sold separately). You are forced to take a trip back to the store to pick up the pieces.
"Now back at home, a full 3 hours since you first embarked on this journey, you prepare to put together the desk. Since it is afternoon, you are both starving but are not allowed to eat until the desk is completely assembled.
"You pull out the instructions and show them to your potential partner. Both of you look at each other, then back at the instructions which are full of pictures and arrows and confusing diagrams. Finally, you are able to plod through and actually succeed in assembling, oh, about a third of the desk. At that point, after searching and searching for a piece of hardware that is pictured on the instructions, you conclude that it is missing from the packages. You have no choice but to, once again, return to Ikea. When you arrive, you see that there are at least 10 other people in line at Customer Service. You wait and wait and wait. Once you reach the desk, you explain the problem and are told that, because you did not return all the original hardware (by taking apart the parts of the desk you had already assembled), you would have to re-purchase the entire set of hardware. (I am exhausted and grumpy just typing this)
"Finally, you return home...for the third time...with all the needed pieces now in your possession. Hours later, as the sun starts to set, you fasten together the last two pieces. Feeling a grand sense of accomplishment, you both carry the desk into the room to place it in what was already deemed... the PERFECT spot...only to realize that the desk you chose...and just spent an entire day assembling..is entirely too big for the room." - Tammy
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"Someone must vomit, and not from drunkeness.
"I thought I was being helpful, and brought him a glass of cold water. Little did I know that I set it on one of those sink-indentations and actually poured cold water down his fevered back. His comment? Is this some weird family tradition of yours, pouring cold water down the back of the sick?
"Advance a few years to find me pregnant/giving birth. While I vomited, he announced that if I wanted him to, he would pour a glass of cold water down my back. My comment? Is this your idea of 'funny'?
"Thirty-one years of marriage and counting." - Judy
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"Spend 10 mins in a two person kayak. it's make or break almost immediately." - Mel
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"Backrubs. Can they give a good one? A properly thorough one that goes on until you've fallen asleep? and then cover you with something soft and tiptoe out without checking to see if it was "okay"? Are they complimentary about your backrubs, while understanding that really, you need one a lot more than they do virtually always? Do they have warm hands?" - The Little Fluffy Cat
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"Garbage Jenga. Oh, you've never played? This is when two people ignore the garbage when it needs to be taken out. If your intended partner is a well-adjusted, rational person, he or she will remove the bag, and take it out to wherever the garbage goes. The other 99% of humans just keep balancing trash on top until the whole thing spills. Battle of wits or battle of twits? Find out in a hurry." - Carrie
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