Texts from last night: "the toilet was on fire..."

Some of my favorites from Texts from Last Night:

• Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
  
  
• I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
  
  
• i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
  
  
• let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
  
  
• the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
  
  
• seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
  
  
• Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
  
  
• I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
  
  
• got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
  
  
• is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
  
  
• My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
  
  
• checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
  
  
• do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?

But out of all of those? The toilet is top. How does a commode catch on fire?