-- talking yourself out of fear? Ain't happening.

So I had this conversation with a friend tonight about fear. How when you're really scared, you can't just talk yourself out of it. She (my friend) had an errand to run which required her to navigate skunk-ridden territory late at night and she was (understandably) a bit uncomfortable. She shared that with someone else who said, "oh there's nothing to be afraid of!"

Most people act like it's easy to just tell the brain not to fear.

As if it freaking listens.

Biologically, everything we know about the brain is that it is made to keep us alive and when it senses a threat, the "thinking" part actually shuts down. I am not making this up. So telling yourself not to be afraid is not an option. It doesn't work. If it did, no one would ever be scared. Therapists would go out of business. First sessions would be like this:

me: I'm terrified of spiders.

shrink: well then. What can spiders do to you?

me: They can bite! And run fast. And be really creepy! They excel at being creepy.

shrink: yes, you are right. But can they kill you?

me: some can.

shrink: what are the odds?

me: fine. The odds are not high. But I still don't like it.

shrink: good. You realize they most likely will not kill you. Now you have nothing to fear.

me: well then! I can see so clearly now. My fear has dissolved. Good day! [writes check]

The only real thing that conquers fear is experience.

We become more comfortable with the unknown when we do it repeatedly in a safe and controlled way and can learn to trust ourselves and understand what to expect. That's how to conquer fear.

Not that I am rushing out to repeatedly expose myself to spiders, but I'm just sayin'. And skunks are nothing to sneeze at!