-- oh, I was relaxed alright.

So I was in this group tonight and we were getting ready to do a meditation exercise. "Breathe deep" says the leader, "and relax your muscles, sink into a restful position. Let yourself be." I sighed and sunk further into the couch, ragdoll-like. I'm very good when it comes to any preparations which mimic sleep, as it's my favorite pastime and I practice it whenever possible.

She continued. "Feel your breath deep in your center. Concentrate on it. Feel your muscles let go and release their tension. Continue breathing."

I was so slack I almost started drooling.

"Now imagine you are standing in a room. There are three doors in front of you. Imagine that door number 1 opens and out comes one of your selves, your public self, the part of you that you show the world. Sit with her, have a conversation. What does she have to say? What do you talk about? Take some time to visit with her."

I tried to imagine visiting the public me. I pictured myself wearing a long flowing skirt elegantly sporting a dark smear from the morning's hasty attempt to jam food down my throat while driving. I walked over to me:

me: "hey."

public me: (head swiveling distractedly) "I'm going to be late."

me: "no you're not, time has stopped and there's nothing else you have to do right now. So what's up?"

public me: "but I have to be somewhere!"

me: "no, you don't. We're just here, in this room alone. Listen, calm down. Breathe, remember? So how are you?"

public me: "Ack! What do YOU want?! I don't have time for this!"

me: "chill! So what's going on, what do you need in life?"

public me: "are you serious? I am exhausted! I need to sleep. I can't stand this constant running running running!"

me: "that's what you want?"

public me: "god yes."

me: "fine."

And just like that I was asleep.

Some time later I woke up hearing, "And NOW, out of door number three comes your private self."

Door number three? What happened to door number two?

She continues, "Sit and talk to your this self for a while, what do they have to say? What do you ask her?"

me: "frak! wtf came out of door #2?"

private me: "fck if I know."

me: "um, aren't you supposed to have like huge reserves of brain not doing anything? Aren't you at least absorbing something when I sleep? Can't you rewind the tape and figure it out?"

private me: "What do you think, I do all the work while public me is sleeping? Of COURSE I am taking a nap too. We're not that separate."

me (begging): "please! What could door #2 possibly be?"

private me: "I have no idea. I mean, all you need is your private and public self, what other self could there possibly be?"

me: "That's why I'm asking you! No clue!"

private me: "well good luck with that. I have to head out."

Great. Now my inner selves are arguing. And in two minutes I'm going to have to talk about the significance of this.

Sure enough, the leader "guided" us back to the present and invited us to talk about our new and enlightening experiences.

She looked at me. "So?"

I nodded at the other woman. "You go first!" I said graciously.

Other woman: "Well #2 and #3 feel like they need to be more visible."

Leader: "very interesting."

The other woman continued in very vague, nebulous terms and I suddenly understood that there was just no way I'd ever figure out what was behind door #2 from her words.

Finally it was my turn. "So what about you? What was your experience?"

me (bluntly): "um. What was behind door #2 again? I kind of fell asleep."

The leader took a long hard look at me.

"ok, here. Lemme read it again. Out of door number two comes your personal self, the one you only show to close friends. That's what came out of door #2. So how did all your selves work out? What did you talk about?"

me: "um, I don't really remember too much except that uh, they weren't coming to complete terms on stuff."

Leader: "veerrrry interesting."

Great. So I am composed of inner selves that fight to sleep. Oh and I am "veerrrry interesting." Go me. I think I will celebrate this new dimension of dorkdom by getting some sleep.