"I did a split on the wet bathroom floor earlier that no gentleman of my stature should be able to accomplish. The good news: My score for technique qualified me for the Olympics. The bad news: I think my hip is broken, Regis Philbin style."
"Dear Retirement Advisor: Thank you for *not* giving me a prospectus with a Dude On A Yacht (tm) picture on the front. I will let you live."
"Like a squid eating dough in a polyethelene bag, is fast and bulbous. Got me? Bulbous, also tapered."
"If you want to feel thin, attractive, well-dressed and continental I very much recommend visiting Old Country Buffet."
"Craisins are neither crazy, nor raisins. Discuss."
"A bad analogy is like a dildo made of peanuts; it's confusing, offensive, and very dangerous for people with allergies."
"Surreal away message:"I'm afraid I cannot answer the phone right now, because I am a cat."
"After last night's absurd plot conceit, the screenwriter of my life is once again fired."
"When I say "Our Lord and Savior" I mean Bruce Willis."
"K wants to know the dorkiest thing you've ever done. (He likely has you beat, but that's not the point of this exercise)."
"File under things I never thought I would say until I had a kid: "Please, take the baby out of the carburetor." (Responses: Mine was "the toilet is not a toy" and "stop playing with your penis and eat your dinner.")
"Dear IE6: Why won't you die already? No, seriously. Die in a fire. Love, Kelly"
Any recent ones that made you laugh? (Apologies if you're a friend and I missed a good one! LMK so I can post it here.)
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