I'm behind on my collection of funny tweets but here's a few until I get the next collection going!
TFLN (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
grantstavely: I will probably die polishing an unsent e-mail.
Ind1fference: after 2+ hours the kitchen set is assembled. Some assembly required, it was more like all assembly required
TheBloggess: Aw. My dad just opened a box of sex magazines with me on the cover. He said I looked "Very nice". Well, that's...awkward.
symigoddess: On my way to get a massage for Festivus - like Feats of Strength except I am totally going to let him win for 90 minutes
TFLN: (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
adamcarolla: I'm sick, but not too sick to go to Bill Simons to watch the games. Starve a fever, feed 9 Sam Adams to a cold.
NakedNikki: My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."
xenijardin: ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WEB TROLLS. IT TROLLS FOR THEE.
tstyles77: Every time I check the Oklahoma section of "People of Wal-Mart" and I'm not pictured, I think to myself, "You've done good, kid."
Higgins_J: I need to learn how to say "May the Force be with you" in Arabic.
jack_daniel: The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.
tacone_:
█████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government #wikileaks
STACEYNIGHTMARE: This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone else’s screenplay.
JimGaffigan: Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.
NakedNikki: My kids are obnoxious tonight. So, just how does one go about throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This drain is looking kinda small.
jordanrubin: My ancestors never had a family crest, because there's no way to draw worrying, nagging, complaining and gassy.
TheStevenWeber: There's something emotionally satisfying about strangling fruit.
micahpearson: BTW: My mother said I'm a narcissist. Or, at least I *think* she did. I couldn't hear her over the sound of how awesome I am.
pourmecoffee: I bet the prison staff is asking Assange for help in setting up their router. This always happens to the computer guy.
austinkleon: "Validate my life choices or I will bite you." - everyone you know
someecards: I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.
adamcarolla: If I hear another news story about "Don't ask don't tell". I'm going to fall on a sharpened cock.
NakedNikki: Simultaneously having a migraine and two children is nature's way of granting me empathy for species that eat their young.
kellyoxford: By the time you're 30 you realize that all of the important events in your life include stress diarrhea.
blogrollandroll: Almost walked into a dangling spider at a cast party, milliseconds away from unwillingly becoming most dramatic performance of the night.
jstogdill: China is like that 22 yr old still living at home in suspended adolescence.
TFLN: (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
papercup: Can I have a t-shirt that says "Nihilism is Pointless"?
cmglothlin: I feel like my life is complete. Tonight I gave another guy some of my own neuroses. This pride must be like what a new father feels.
Shpantzer: I did it all for the wookie #dojocon
JimGaffigan: “Um, is there any way we can get a table near the bullet hole?”
isweatbutter: There's one I've never heard on this show before... "WWII made me do it." #HOARDERS
mccanner: OH: "so is that your partner in the wood chipper, then?"
isweatbutter: Based on the number of times fire trucks have been by my house this morning, I'm estimating 8 families burned the bird. #Thanksgiving
NakedNikki: It's important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are fucking hilarious though.
plumbob78: I have achieved PANTS!
someecards: I want you to know that I often still think of you while we're having sex.
TFLN: (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
[see more! Funny Tweets archive]
Senin, 31 Januari 2011
Katrina Kaif 'Disturbed' By Tax Raid
Katrina Kaif has slammed reports she is under investigation for tax evasion, insisting she is "disturbed" by the accusations.The Indian star hit the headlines earlier this week (begs24Jan11) after representatives for the country's tax authorities confirmed officials had raided the offices and homes of Kaif and her peer Priyanka Chopra, in addition to a number of other top Bollywood names.
Tax department director-general D.P. Gaur confirmed on Monday (24Jan11) that properties belonging to the actresses were "being searched and whatever materials are procured will be recorded for further action", but refused to go into further detail.
However, a "disturbed" Kaif has hit out at the claims and she is adamant all her tax payments are up-to-date.
A statement issued by her accountants adds: "Katrina is fully co-operating with the (tax) department, whom she holds in high regard."
Kaif is said to earn $670,000 (£446,670) per film.
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Sabtu, 29 Januari 2011
Charlie Sheen’s latest porn flame goes wild again
Charlie Sheen, well known as the actor who plays the role of Charlie Harper in the sitcom “Two And A Half Men” is known for his relationships with porn stars. Apparently his latest flame Kacey Jordan bared it all in a video titled 'Girls Gone Wild'. The video was shot a couple of years back in Los Angeles. In the video Kacey is quite proud of what she has to offer and she is seen claiming that she is a cute nineteen year old with a hot body, which she loves to flaunt ! Capri Anderson also featured in this video, she too followed in Kacey Jordan’s footsteps and bared it all.Chalie Sheen previously was involved in a relationship with Ginger Lynn, who was also a former porn sta, this affair caught the attention of the media for quite some time. His tryst with pornographic actresses continued with Heather Hunter. His marriage with actress Denise Richards and then with real estate investor Brooke Mueller, was tainted with accusations of domestic violence. Recently he was spotted hanging out with Bree Olson, a blonde porn queen.
Charlie has been involved in excessive intake of drugs. In fact he was out partying with Kacey hours before he was rushed to the Cedar-Sinai hospital. Kacey, who is a high-end porn star had revealed that in the party, to which she was invited at Charlie’s place, there were other girls as well and Sheen’s shirt was stained with wine. According to reports he critiqued a 3-hour marathon porn video, which he was watching with the porn-stars, hours before being hospitalized.
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Jumat, 28 Januari 2011
Hollywood actress Penelope Cruz had given a birth to a baby
Hollywood actress Penelope Cruz has reportedly given birth to a baby boy. The actress was taken to the Cedars Sinai Medical Center few days back. The Spanish beauty has always remained very private about her personal things and she has maintained the same trend for the birth of her baby too.Her husband Spanish actor Javier Bardem has been nominated for an Oscar in the ‘best actor’ category for his performance in the 2010 movie Biutiful. So it is a double celebration for the couple.
Penelope even kept the news of her pregnancy a secret until she was almost five months with the baby. The couple, who tied the knot last July in Bahamas, kept their relationship also a private affair. They first met on the set of the Spanish movie Jamon in 1992 but they started dating after 15 years in 2007.
On Wednesday, the spokeswoman of the actress informed about the birth of their baby boy. The New York publicist spokeswoman of Cruz said that the couple has welcomed their first son into the family. She informed that the mother and the baby are in good health now. She did not disclose about the place of birth of the baby but according to the Spanish media, the boy was born in a hospital in Los Angeles.
We congratulate the couple for their first baby and wish good health to the family.
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Rabu, 26 Januari 2011
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Selasa, 25 Januari 2011
Sophie Monk engaged to long-time friend Jimmy Esebag
Sophie Monk has announced her engagement to long time friend Jimmy Esebag. Monk describes Esebag, her senior by more than 20 years, as a male version of herself. “I'm marrying a male version of myself, which is dangerous but good,” she said.Monk announced the engagement on 2Day FM breakfast radio, where she is co-hosting with Kyle Sandilands while regular presenter Jackie O is on maternity leave, reports News.com.au.
“I got engaged, and I kept it quiet so no one's heard much about him,” said Monk on the show. “He's a keeper. It feels right - I think you know when you know.”
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Senin, 24 Januari 2011
Anna Nicole set to be most X-rated opera ever?
An opera, based on the life of late model Anna Nicole Smith, could just be the most X-rated opera ever seen in the Royal Opera House, with its lurid sex scenes and foul language. The storyline covers everything from the late model’s drug abuse to her relationship with J. Howard Marshall, the millionaire octogenarian that she married in 1994, just a year before his death.Critics are already citing one scene as particularly shocking, in which the heroine performs oral sex on her wheelchair-bound boyfriend. It has been composed and conceived by Mark-Anthony Turnage, and the man behind the lyrics is Richard Thomas, the librettist who also wrote 2003’s ‘Jerry Springer: The Opera’.
According to the Times Magazine, Thomas, 60, says that ‘Anna Nicole’ delivers the same kind of drama and comedy as the grand operas of the 19th century. “A lot of people say: ‘Oh, but do you really think Anna Nicole deserves an opera?” the Daily Mail quoted him as saying.
“I say yes, she’s more deserving of an opera than any individual who has ever lived. That’s my line because I’m sick of that snobbery. Anna Nicole is grand opera, just like those of old with a mix of comedy and horror,” he stated.
The Royal Opera House is hoping that the subject matter and risque content will attract a younger audience, and has even lowered its prices with a maximum of 75 pounds to reflect that.
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Kim Kardashian's bro offered $45K to pose nude for Playgirl
Kim Kardashian's brother Rob has been offered 45,000 dollars to pose nude for Playgirl. "Rob is a perfect example of the classic Playgirl model," the New York Daily News quoted Daniel Nardicio, a publicist for the magazine, as telling E! News."We'd be proud to have him join the ranks of other quasi-celebs to strip for Playgirl," Nardicio said. The mag has even promised to sweeten the deal by 15,000 dollars if the "adorable" Rob gets shy to accept the offer. Stripping for Playgirl is not so easy as it seems, one has to be trained to be camera-ready.
"I'd bring him to N.Y.C. to work with my trainer for a few weeks though, as he looks like he could use a few weeks prep before the shoot," Nardicio
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Minggu, 23 Januari 2011
Beyonce Knowles was virgin until marriage
Singer Beyonce Knowles reveals she was a virgin until she met her husband Jay-Z."People would be surprised as to the lack of experiences I've had. When I was 12 or 13 I had my first boyfriend, and he was my boyfriend until I was 17. At that age, that was a long time. I've always been very loyal and a little more mature," femalefirst.co.uk quoted her as saying.
"Though I was too young for it to really be a boyfriend - we didn't live together, we didn't, you know...That was my only experience with a guy, and since then I've only had one other boyfriend in my life - Jay."
Beyonce who married Jay-Z in 2008 has revealed in the past that her friendships with women have stopped her from getting tied up in unhealthy relationships with men.
"I think I am a feminist in a way. It's not something I consciously decided I was going to be; perhaps it's because I grew up in a singing group with other women, and that was so helpful to me. It kept me out of so much trouble and out of bad relationships," she said.
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Jumat, 21 Januari 2011
Britney Spears makes History With Hold It Against me
Britney Spears has secured her place at the top of the U.S. Billboard Hot100 after breaking records with her new track Hold It Against ME.The pop superstar garnered the highest number of U.S. radio plays ever in one day when she debuted the song last week (10Jan11), and she has gone on to score her fourth number one single in America.
Spears sold over 411,000 downloads of the track in the week since its release - the highest ever for a female artist, breaking the record of 325,000 digital sales set by Taylor Swift's Today Was A Fairytale last year (10).
Hold It Against Me came in at number one, followed by Bruno Mars' Grenade at two and Katy Perry's Firework at three.
The top five is rounded out by Rihanna and Drake with What's My Name? and Wiz Khalifa's Black And Yellow.
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Kamis, 20 Januari 2011
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Selasa, 18 Januari 2011
Snacks on a Plane and Lord of the Ring Tone (my favorite #lessambitiousmovies)
Recently trending on Twitter has been the subject of "less ambitious movies" (using hashtag #lessambitiousmovies or #lessambitiousfilms). This swept through the Twitterverse like wildfire racking up up to 200 Tweets a minute (source: Snacks on a plane and other 'less ambitious' films.)
Here are my top 23
Have any to suggest, let me know! I can't place all the sources so if you know, leave the info in the comments.
Here are my top 23
Have any to suggest, let me know! I can't place all the sources so if you know, leave the info in the comments.
- Snacks on a plane
- A Few OK Men (@Alastair)
- Lord of the Ring Tone
- Asleep in Seattle
- White men can jump, but sometimes not as high as other men (@Operative_Me)
- The Lizard of Oz
- The Postman Sometimes Walks Right By My House (@chris_p_walker)
- Jurassic Parking Garage (@DRossiCSCS)
- The Grapes of Animosity (@stdmtj1)
- The Ten Recommendations (@Mr_Solo)
- Slightly Agitated Max (@Darjanator)
- Mission: Might be tough but its possible (@JohnSp)
- The American Vice-President (@Pres_Shepher)
- A River Runs Past It (@fionasboots)
- Edward Safety Scissor Hands(@GhostOfAbe)
- Apocalypse When I Get To It (@Higgins_J)
- The Perturbation of Khan (@l0qii)
- Dude I know where my car is (@Carissajaded)
- Cloudy with a chance of meatsauce (@Carissajaded)
- Raiders of the Lost Crate (@plumbob78)
- He Might Still Like You On Some Level (@DrMathochist)
- A Longish Engagement (@DrMathochist)
- The Empire Sits Back (@travelfish)
Jennifer Aniston planning to have baby
Jennifer Aniston is apparently planning to start a family.The former 'Friends' star reportedly told friends she is going "full steam ahead" to have a baby this year, reports Stuff.co.nz.
It has been claimed the 41-year-old star - who is currently single - is considering either adoption or using a surrogate mother, after the processes proved successful for other famous faces.
"Jen has been weighing up all her options, everything from using a surrogate to finding a suitable sperm donor. She's determined to go full steam ahead with becoming a mum," a source told National Enquirer.
"Jen sees this as the perfect time in her life to have a child. Right now, she prefers the idea of adoption, but using a surrogate like Sarah Jessica Parker did is also a possibility.
"And single mom Sandra Bullock has become a kind of role model for Jen since she adopted her baby a year ago," the source said.
Jennifer has been spending increasing amounts of time with Courteney and her 6-year-old daughter Coco since Courteney announced a trial separation from her husband David Arquette.
The former 'Friends' co-stars are believed to have celebrated Christmas together and being around a child over the holiday season made Jennifer realize she is ready to have one of her own.
"Jen was overwhelmed by the love shared between mom and daughter - and it brought out all her maternal instincts," the source said.
"She loved hanging out with Coco, playing with her and chatting to her. It just emphasised to her how much she needs to be a mom herself," added the source.
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Senin, 17 Januari 2011
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Minggu, 16 Januari 2011
"I throw up body parts." A confession? (Not mine though.)
So here are my top search terms for 2010:
- I throw up body parts
Um, you have bigger problems than the Internet can help you with right now. SEE A DOCTOR. - my wife is focking her uncke
I'm going to assume that this is just a terrible case of mistyping and hope these people found a good shrink. - pictures of snake faces
Dawww. Not something I have on my blog, but you know, kind of cute anyway. - 4 pack abs
Ambition! I like it. Who needs 6-pack abs when 4 will do? - mouse died in fat rolls
Well, sympathies, yo. Maybe lose some weight and clean the house if things are that outta control. - big zit
Alright, I do know where this one led: the story of my enormous zit. Or wait. Maybe it wasn't THAT zit story. Maybe it was this one. Nice. I guess everyone has to be famous for something. - hideous clothes
What was I just saying about being famous for something? ;) - colonoscopy cartoons
Glad to know I'm not the only one who appreciates this kind of thing. - cheap ass apartments flagstaff
I'm pretty sure no apartment website is going to be using this keyword. - Two related: "why are their so many losers?" and "Are there that many losers out there?"
If someone searches for such stats on the internet, does that make them a loser? - dog sphincter
::fistpump!! - suburban fuck nest
Yeah, good luck with that. That's not really my forte. - snake genitals
The number of people looking for snake genitals online is ASTOUNDING. - Can a spleen quiver
YES. Mine is RIGHT. NOW. - what can happen on planes?
Um, they can fly? - big boob wrestling
Also not really my forte, but okay, enjoy. - found larvae in my raisin box
OH yes. This incident. I'd almost forgotten. Excuse me while I throw up. - I put a snake in my vagina
This sound more like an emergency room thing and less like a googling thing. Don't you think you should be consulting with medical professionals? Also, you are now infected with all kinds of horrible bacteria. Please get thee some help. - teenage head in my refrigerator.zip
Um. I hope this is referring to a file of someone's halloween cake. FBI? Can you double-check? - dark olive vomit
Greeat. I write a post about olives, and who cares? People puking. - What's a douchebag?
While there are various and sundry definitions of this, I don't believe this is a topic I've ever covered on my blog.
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