-- an open letter to my pancreas

Dear Pancreas,

I totally didn't mean to stress you out with those 50 little pieces of candy today. It's just... nothing went right and damn if my PMS demon didn't rise up and take over. Better day tomorrow?

Love, self

-- Happy Rosh Hashana!

-- widower abandons 9 of his kids at the hospital

I originally wanted to say something harsh and judgemental but despite how wrong this is, he is grieving. Ten kids is a lot. Why'd they have so many?? Poor kids, I can only imagine how messed up I'd be if that was my family.

An out-of-work widower who abandoned nine of his children at a hospital under Nebraska's new safe haven law said he was overwhelmed without his wife and just "fell apart." Staton anonymously left the five boys and four girls — ages 1 to 17 — at Creighton University Medical Center's emergency room on Wednesday night. He has a 10th child, a daughter who is 18 and was not dropped off.
Read more -->

Gwyneth Paltrow Refuses To Hire Chef.

Gwyneth Paltrow Refuses To Hire Chef....

Gwyneth Paltrow refuses to hire a personal chef to cook her family's meals - insisting she does it herself.

The actress snubs the celebrity trend of hiring a cook for the household because she loves to provide food for her husband - Coldplay rocker Chris Martin - and their two children.

She tells People.com, "I cook all the meals for my house. I really love to cook.

"Breads and pizzas is what I'm cooking and we all love it. We have a wood-burning pizza oven in our garden. Right now the weather is nice in London, so I'm using that oven a lot.

"You can cook anything in there. It's amazing."

Paltrow recently filmed cookery road trip show Spain... On The Road Again with chef Mario Batali.

-- habitat for sanity

Today a bunch of us went to a friend's house to work on a house project in a labor exchange we are calling "habitat for sanity." Today's project was to frame out a closet and hang a pocket door.

Getting started. The first step is moving equipment into place; the trusty miter saw is placed on the front porch for later use.

Looking over the directions.

What is "PELLIGROSO!!!!"??

Ah nevermind. We'll work around it.
Virgin ceiling. Hmm, where to put the frame?

Extension cords, a must for every do-it-yourselfer.
The first cuts.

Walk-in closet, here we come. Fully framed, now ready for the pocket door.
The door is hung

Kitty approves.

-- world's most disgusting apartment

I just read an article about the world's most disgusting home. How could I not share this??

What does she do, sit in front of the blank screen and smoke? No way could this thing turn on.

Top view of computer.

Maybe this is unfair but I somehow picture this person as weighing 1,000 lbs.

I mean, obviously they're drinking a ton of fast-food soft drinks... maybe they're too fat to throw out the trash. (But they're not too fat to GET to the store, so this is puzzling...)

My question is, how do they even USE the bathroom? What is that brown stuff? (Do I even want to know???)

I'd like to point out that this made international press -- the apartment itself is in Houston! See the full article and pix at Australia's Daily Telegraph.

...

You also have to check out this video slideshow of another disgusting house. This was taken by a friend's cousin.

-- my writing corner

This is kindof a "wow" moment. Last year I was lamenting that I wanted to start writing more but had no cozy place to do it. I used the lack of a spot as an excuse to not write at all. So I made a New Year's resolution to create a cozy corner for myself and here I am using it. Yay!

It's kindof a half-assed creation. I bought a bench online to save money but it was way too narrow and hard for my fat ass. So I jammed a bunch of boxes behind it (widening the sitting area) and overlayed an egg-crate cushion to make up for the hard mean top. Then I covered the whole mess with a blanket, lined the back with pillows and shoved the whole thing in the bedroom corner. And so my writing nook was born.

Of course most people might have just bought one nice chair and be done with it... not me, I have to do everything the hard way. But at least I'm using it!

-- which plastics are safe?

I don't normally repost stuff here that I'm already sending out on one of my email lists but this is important. And I totally wish I could get tested to see how much plastic is in my body. Ugh. From Dr. Mirkin's health newsletter, which plastic bottles are safe:

New Concerns about Plastic Bottles and Containers

A study from Peninsula Medical School in Exeter, U.K. shows that high levels of urinary Bisphenol-A (BPA), a chemical compound commonly used in plastic packaging for food and beverages, is associated with heart attacks, strokes, diabetes and abnormal liver tests (JAMA. Sept 17, 2008). BPA can break down to form female hormones called estrogens that are linked to breast and uterine cancer in women, decreased testosterone levels in men, and may also cause birth defects.

You are exposed to BPA, primarily through food, drinking water, tooth sealants that you may receive in a dentist's office, and exposure through your skin and lungs from household dusts. Ninety percent of Americans have detectable levels of BPA in their urines.

Although the safety of BPA is still uncertain, you would be prudent to limit your exposure. The primary concerns are plastic water bottles and baby bottles. Each bottle is supposed to have a number in a circle stamped on the bottom. Try to avoid the following numbers:

• #1 Most single-use water bottles are made from polyethylene terephthalate (PET or PETE).
• #7 This is used for many colorful hard plastic lexan bottles made with polycarbonate plastics.

At a minimum, do not re-use bottles or containers with these numbers. Do not freeze or reheat foods or beverages in them.

Plastic products that bear the following numbers appear to be safe:

• #2 HDPE, high-density polyethylene, the most widely recyced plastic,
• #4 LDPE, low-density polyethylene) and
• #5 PP, polypropylene

Courtesy of www.drmirkin.com

My two other email lists are:

• healthwire (for health info)
• wavianwire (email scams, fraud alerts, money-saving tips and misc.)

-- my Amazon wish list

This is for my parents who often wonder what to get me for my bday (next month)... here's my Amazon wish list. Really just a great big pile of books is all I need!

-- overheard at the concert

Scenario: After Monday night's concert, saw two girls draped over lead singer, vying for his attention. He leaves with one of them.

Dejected girl: "I've been following this band since 1990! And HE WILL be back. He always comes back!! He can't forget THESE." (shakes chest emphatically)

Me (to friend who also overheard): "Um, I really think just ANY of those will do in a pinch!"

-- interview with Ana Free

Yay! I finally posted an interview with rising star musician and singer Ana Free. Check it out! (I posted it on my regular website so I can include pix and more navigation more easily.)

Now that I've finally finished that (and midnight is soon approaching), I can start preparing for my 3 (thank goodness minor) presentations tomorrow. MAN am I exhausted!

Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame 2009 Nominees

Chic, Jeff Beck, Metallica, Run-DMC, The Stooges and War have been named as some of the nominees for induction to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2009.

They've been joined by soul man Bobby Womack, rock 'n' roll queen Wanda Jackson and Little Anthony & The Imperials.

Ballots will be sent to more than 500 voters, who will select the five artists to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame at the 24th annual Induction Ceremony on 4 April in Cleveland, Ohio, where the Hall of Fame has its home.

To be eligible for nomination into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, an act must have released its first single or album at least 25 years prior to the year of nomination. This year's nominees had to release their first single no later than 1983.

This year's performing inductees were Madonna, John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen, The Dave Clark Five and The Ventures.

-- 19 things

I received this in an email so ok, I'll bite. Tag, you're it! If you've read this, make one for yourself and post a link here to yours so I can check it out.

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Yuck! The thought repulses me. UNLESS I'm eating buffalo wings, then it's awesome.

2. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Only the dentist because I am terrified they're going to hurt me (again)!

3. Favorite Christmas Song?
Don't have one. Well maybe Homer Simpson (or was it Family Guy's?) parody "Ding, fries are done!" sung to the tune of Carol of the Bells.

4. Do you work with people who idolize you?
Um, not even my dog or cat idolizes me.

5. Do you have A.D.D.?
Well I wasn't su... hey! What's that hard drive clicking noise? Crap I need to make a doctor's appoint... wait I missed Beth's birthday!! Um, maybe I have some distraction issues.

6. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
"I'm only on #6??"
"I love beets" (I'm eating... don't worry, this isn't usually a random thought.)
"Why am I doing this?"

7. Name something you bought yesterday.
a CD by accident (wait! I can explain. Went to a concert with a friend and tried to buy the band's latest CD as a present but she already had it!)

8. Current worry right now?
How am I going to find time tonight to fix a web page project video problem, update 2 client websites, move the furniture back into the living room, cook dinner, write and practice three small presentations, walk dog and still get to bed early when I'm not even going to be home until 8pm?

9. Current hate right now?
That my car's timing belt needs to be tightened (shop told me to come back for free) but I don't have the time so am just driving around listening its nagging whirring noise.

10. Favorite place to be?
in bed

11. Where would you like to go?
A local adventurers group is putting together an amazing trip to Egypt in the Spring but not sure if I can afford it or how safe it will be (since some tourists were recently abducted, though luckily released safely only 3 days later). It includes sleeping in small tribal village tents and eating food cooked by the locals and hot air ballooning (as well as visiting the requisite tourist sites). Even though it's expensive I haven't been able to delete the email yet; thinking about it.

12. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Aren't they all slippery? Wouldn't the top sheet just cause everything to ride off and end up on the floor? I think I've been through this before.

13. Favorite girl's name?
Hannah, Anna

14. Favorite boy's name?
Joshua, Justin, Jeffrey (I like J names)

15. Last thing that made you laugh?
A friend's story about food poisoning while camping

16. Worst injury you've ever had?
Maybe the time I went backpacking and injured my collarbone with a pack that was too heavy. Wasn't incapacitated, just couldn't sleep on my side, took months to fully heal.

17. Does someone have a crush on you?
Dan might. (lol)

18. What is your favorite book?
Recent reading list, I loved these:
The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
The Post-Birthday World, by Lionel Shriver
The Windup Bird Chronicle, by Haruki Murakami
Empress Orchid, by Anchee Min
Dry and Running with Scissors, Augusten Burroughs

19. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
At a concert with a friend, didn't get home until after 3am! But that is NOT my usual routine. Usually at midnight I am writing or reading and thinking about how I should be sleeping. Will post pix hopefully in the next few days.

Your turn!!

-- captcha FAIL

Look, I really appreciate the captcha for its anti-spam superhero script properties but now they're getting so difficult that even people are having trouble reading them. I still have no idea what the above says!

Ashley Tisdale Breaks The Bank

Ashley Tisdale hosts her older sister Jennifer Tisdale’s 27th birthday celebration at The Bank inside the Bellagio Hotel and Casino Resort on Friday in Las Vegas, Nevada. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNIFER!

Earlier in the day, the 23-year-old High School Musical starlet was seen catching a flight out of Burbank, Calif. She was accompanied by her pet pooch Maui, mom Lisa, and boybander boyfriend Jared Murillo.

When recently asked if Sharpay (Tisdale) is still trying to steal Troy (Zac Efron) from Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens), Ashley shared, “She’s kind of over Troy this time round! Okay, so she’s always gonna have a little bit of a crush on him [laughs], but she’s focused on the fact that someone from East High is going to be awarded a scholarship to a top performing arts college and, of course, she thinks it should be her. She also has a new friend, Tiara (Jemma McKenzie-Brown), who’s a sophomore and becomes her assistant. Sharpay is very good at bossing her around!”

-- The ABC's of colonoscopy

A is for a friend, who will B very embarrassed that today's post is dedicated to their Colonoscopy, the very joyful activity of voluntarily electing to have an elongated tube snaked up one's ass.

Because having a blog means I've thrown away a certain amount of my own dignity, I'll just mention that I've been there & done that. It was such a blast I can't wait to do it again.

Seriously folks. They're not painful (you get knocked out) and they can save lives, so I thought it would be important to knock out regular programming in the interest of bringing you an important health announcement. If you need one, go get it. Your colonoscopy can save your life. Here's more info on the colonoscopy if you want to learn more. But without further ado, I bring you:

Colonoscopy jokes:

What you're thinking (if not saying) during the colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey ..."

9. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

10. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

How to enjoy the colonoscopy:

How to enjoy your colonoscopy, from Jibjab

-- what's the weirdest thing in your purse?

Me: "So when my sis went to the Tyra Bank's show, she won the 'weirdest item in purse' contest."

Dan: "What was in her purse?"

Me: "A can of tuna fish."

Dan: "That's not weird!"

Me: "I know!"

Dan: "I've even had cans of tuna in my man bag!"

So are we weird or is this more common than everyone at the Tyra Bank's show thought? What's the strangest thing you've ever had in your purse (or man bag)?

Megan Fox to keep revealing her sex life

American model and actress Megan Fox has vowed that she will never stop talking about her sex life.

Fox, 22, says that sex is not something unnatural, but something that everyone participates in, and thus she should not be embarrassed about revealing her bedroom antics to the world.

"Sex is something that everyone does, so why can't I talk about it?" the China Daily quoted her as saying. The other thing that she is open to doing is to star in a variety of different movie genres that showcase her versatility, as she doesn't feel the two Transformers movies challenged her as an artiste.

"I've done one big movie so far with Transformers. And it's not a movie I want to stand on as far as acting ability goes," she said.

"I mean I'm not going to win an Oscar anytime soon. I'm not Meryl Streep," she added.

-- what would you eat (from this list)?

Very Good Taste (VGT) was looking for people's feedback about food.

Copy the below list into your blog.

• Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
• Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
• Optional extra: Post a comment at VGT's Omnivore's Hundred linking to your post.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare (not with my sensitive stomach. I'm not big on TRYING to give myself food poisoning.)
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding (uh, no. Isn't this like blood loaf or something like that?)
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht (not bad even though it sounds like the noise you make horfing!)
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari (Best calamari I ever had was in the Puget Sound, on San Juan Island in Friday Harbor. They were sliced like mozzarella sticks and had the same consistency; so soft and fresh, not rubbery at all!)
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart (you're playing with food poisoning if you indulge in this too much though...)
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle (sounds suspiciously like black pudding; if so, NO.)
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns (Not taboo but I'm not big into eating ass, only had pork butt once and was not impressed.)
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras (too cruel, I won't even think of eating this.)
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese (this sounds absolutely disgusting. I don't know exactly what it is but don't even want to find out.)
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea (I don't want to eat anything that "clots.")
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat (had this in Mexico, birreria.)
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk (NEVER AGAIN! THIS SH*T IS NASTY! I almost threw up from it. Made myself down a whole bowl of cereal thinking maybe I just had to get used to it but NO, it got worse and worse. There's a REASON this sh*t is hard to find. No one wants it!)
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone (Have you seen how expensive this is? Hundreds of dollars a pound? Check out any good Asian supermarket, the price will knock you out!)
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal (ashamed to admit but yes)
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads (I'm not eating brains until I'm a zombie, thank you very much.)
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian (now I know why it's banned from eating in public in some places.... agh, the smell!)
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette (I would taste it but isn't this just fried fat? If I'm aiming to consume 1,000 calories I'd rather just eat a sundae.)
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini (Caviar is disgusting!! I ate it by accident. Was at a fancy buffet and it was in a bowl next to some crackers, I thought it was some weird lumpy jelly and smeared a huge gob onto my plate. I almost threw up when I downed the salty, fishy geloid mess.)
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie (woo hoo, I'm such such the exotic taste tester.)
78. Snail (But don't remember what it tastes like. I kinda swallowed it whole just to get it over with.)
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict (yuck)
83. Pocky (I was so smitten with the name "men's pocky" in Japan that I made myself an email address with it until I realized I didn't want to maintain so many accounts! But srsly. I love the word "pocky". The fact that there's a regular "pocky" and a "men's" version cracks me up.)
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse (This to me would be like eating dog.)
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam (yes, I have never had spam. Hope it stays that way. Meat should not be crayon pink and the shape of its container.)
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor (I feel like I've heard of this but don't remember what it is.)
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake (the thought curdles my stomach but I might taste it.)
What about you? What have you eaten and what would you NEVER touch in a million years?

-- public speaking (and confidence FAIL)

So I'm recovering from co-teaching a class today. I'm way too shy to stand in front of group comfortably so while it's rewarding (when over), it's enormously emotionally draining. Here's what I wrote last time I had the class, basically was the same scenario this time.

I remember looking down at my outstretched hand, noticing the pen it held was quivering, and thought "huh, that sucks. I need to calm down." Any public speaking tips would be appreciated, or even any tips on how not to be a spaz when nervous, maybe I can use them at the dentist's!

image from CartoonStock's public speaking collection.

-- kayaking at Calvert Cliffs

Went kayaking with a local park to go fossil hunting along the sandstone cliffs along Chesapeake Bay's Calvert Cliffs. We entered the water at Black Hill Park and paddled about 2 miles to a narrow beachfront to hunt for 10 million year old shark's teeth.

The rule was, no digging in the cliffs themselves, only at our feet. We scooped up great gobs of sand and shells and sifted through the muddy mess to look for fossilized dental plates and shark's teeth. We found quite a few! They are small and black, no larger than my thumbnail. Then we paddled two miles back home.
I loved being on the water. There's something about the bay's deep gentle waves; they induce a peace I wish I could experience much more often.

Dan has more info (and a link to more pix) on his blog. -->

-- pray for lower gas!

So I'm sitting here eating dinner and reading Harper's Index. I had to share these:

• Estimated number of U.S. lives saved per month by $4 gasoline, through reduced driving nationwide: 1,000
  (Sobering. I had to sit a minute and visualize this.)
  
  
• Number of U.S. gas stations where the group Pray at the Pump has gathered to ask God to lower the price: 12
  (Can't they pray for something more meaningful like world peace, better rice yields, the cure for cancer...etc.?)
  
  
• Rank of Obama's primary victory among the greatest events in U.S. history, according to Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. in May: 1
  (Yes, it's really cool. But in ALL of U.S. history...?)
  
  
• Number of extra books of the Bible he said could be written to "chronicle its significance": 1
  
  
• Average number of names added to the U.S. terrorist watch list each month: 20,000.
  
  
• Date on which Nelson Mandela's name was removed: 7/1/2008
  (Um, what was he doing on it in the first place??)
  
  
• Percentage by which the average incidence of fires and traffic accidents on Fridays the 13th differs from that of other Fridays: -4
  (Yes! Friday the 13th rules!)
  

source: Harper's Magazine, October 2008.

-- weirdness at the airport

We're going to Cozumel next month.
Dan (calling me at work): "Did you see the link I sent you for the Cozumel (Mexico) Airport?"

me (opening file): "Not yet. Let me take a look now."

Google Maps Satellite view

Dan: "What do you see that catches your attention?"

me: "Um, it looks like something is exploding?"

Dan (chuckling): "No, not that. See how there's a nice neat row of planes...?"

me (interrupting): "Oh! The weird burnt-looking shell of an airplane next to them?"

Dan (laughing harder): "No, actually... look behind the row of neat planes to the second row behind it. Now look off to the side, what do you see?"

me (staring hard): "Um. It looks like there's a plane in the woods?"

Dan: "YES! Why?! Why is an aircraft not on the tarmac?"

Um, good question. We are flying into this airport next month....

-- phone call from hell

The other day Dan came home aggravated. "How many people do you think are in the Navy!" he spat. "Um, I dunno. 200,000? 300,000?" I ventured. "Right! And HOW MANY do you think handle procurement for training for ALL THOSE people?" he frothed. "umm, I have no idea." "ONE!!! One person!! One person does it all! And I have to set up training at work with that one person and it's insane!" Then he proceeded to tell me about his day. And I laughed my a$$ off. (In sympathy of course.)

Snippet of Conversation with this person, from Dan's blog. (LtCdr = Lieutenant Commander)

LtCdr. (Realizing that I'm not about to give up easily, brings out the secret weapon) Is your budget OPN or multi-year R&D?

Me: What is OPN?

LtCdr: (a direct hit!) It has to be one of those.

Me: (Extremely polite) Yes, thank you. What is OPN?

LtCdr: (Smug) It has to be OPN or Multi-year R&D.

Me: Um* this is R&D activity, and we've been doing it for years. Do you need official verification?

LtCdr: Is it OPN?

Me: I don't know. Please explain, what is OPN?

LtCdr: (Victoriously) It's what it has to be for me to take it.

Me: (Thinking that maybe this is a Turing test) Thanks. Does OPN stand for something? Is it an acronym?

LtCdr: (Let the circle be unbroken) It has to be OPN or multi-year R&D.

Me: Well, here's our Navy budget number. Does that make this clearer?

LtCdr: (Examining fingernails) No.

Me: (Frustrated, still in control of myself) The Navy gave me that number* it's the only number we've ever had to use* we are working for the Navy* you are in the navy* can you see if it is OPN or officially multi-year R&D?

LtCdr: That number means nothing to me (and that's not the only thing).

Me: What is the definition of OPN?

LtCdr: It's what we're allowed to take now.

Me: How can I tell if my budget is OPN or multi-year?

LtCdr: I don't know.

Me: Listen, I don't know OPN from OBGYN. I didn't decide to undertake this operation, nor did I write the contract. I have no idea what you're talking about.

LtCdr: Yes.

Me: (Retreat!) I'll call you back.

Read Dan's full blog post-->

*R&D= Research & Development. Anyone know what OPN is??

-- well, SOMEONE bled all over the floor... I just don't know who.

My twitter post, 2 minutes ago:This will all be clear shortly.

me: "I need to spend more time blogging. When I put up boring blog posts, my readership drops."*
*[from like three to two readers/day... Hi Mom! Sis! Thanks for sticking around!]

Dan: "It's time-consuming to come up with good material."

me: "Yes! And also to be a good blogging buddy. If I don't have time read, visit and comment on other people's blogs, then my blog karma suffers.*" (*to all the cool new people who commented enthusiastically about those hideous shoes, I'm totally going to add you to my blog roll!)

Dan: "Right, there's so much out there to read and keep up on."

me: "And! You can't just leave crappy comments. The comments have to be good. Thoughtful. You can't just write "lol" and be done with it."

Dan: "Well when you get home tonight, you can blog."

Fast forward past the commute home.

I swung open front door, smiling at the progress our handyman's made on the kitchen renovation project.

Earlier he came by to work on the carpet-to-tile transition which involved gluing strips of carpet tacks to the floor.

The entire kitchen/downstairs project (now going on 1.5 years) is inching forward at a (crippled) snail's pace but even the most meager progress makes me extremely excited.

Smiles quickly turn to frowns.

"Is this blood?"

I bend down and peer at the tile. Hmm. A reddish-brown paw print. Please let this be mud.

"Where's the dog??" (slight panic in voice.)

Scrambling noises emerge from the garage.

Yay! Someone thought about locking the animals away so they wouldn't get hurt by the bare rows of tacks pointing upwards like shark teeth.

But wait. More paw prints. Not brownish. Bright red. Arterial blood red. Fresh murder victim red. Anna Nicole Smith Lips red. And omg, it's everywhere! A two foot smear of blood along the entire perimeter of the carpet line. Good lord, what happened here!

Dan and I rushed to the garage to examine the animals. We both assumed the dog trampled the tacks by the look of the prints.

Dan swung the door open and the dog burst out like water under high pressure, the cat close behind. They'd never been left in the garage before and were freaked out by the alteration in their schedule. Anyone that has animals knows they abhor change.

My mind raced. Someone put them there, but who? The dogwalker? Did she find them covered in blood after the handyman left? But she would have mentioned this in her note, right?

We wondered this out loud as the animals windmilled at our feet, delirious at being rescued. And then we noticed the garage floor was sopping wet.

The smell hit after the visual. As if our brains had been protecting us from reality and it wasn't until we saw fluid that we could officially admit that Things Were Not As They Should Be.

The dog hasn't peed in the house since he was a pup. But anxiety at being locked in a new place unleashed his normal restraint. Great puddles of urine seeped under the foam floor cushion covering half the work area and flowed gracefully into the garage's many concrete cracks.

Lovely.

Not only was the garage floor now coated with noxious waste but its depth and spread was almost artful, as if a ghost from house-past urgently seized upon the opportunity to return the dwelling to its original state, resentful that its new owners (us) so thoroughly eliminated the original stench of piss that had permeated the residence. (See the page I put up for my parents who wondered why I didn't call for weeks after we moved in.)

Immediate triage procedures snapped into place. Check paws! Let dog out! Feed animals! Mop floor! Clean blood!

Examining Tycho's feet.

Mopping garage floor, still in work clothes. No time to change.

Remarkably, the dog wasn't injured. And strangely enough, the cat also seemed fine. Both animals' paws were beautifully unmarred. The cat did have some blood on her fur but we couldn't find the source. It almost looked like she'd rolled in someone else's blood during a kittenish frenzy but we couldn't imagine who.

Well, someone bled all over the floor. I hope we find out who soon.

So much for going to sleep early. And for expanding my blogosphere with quality content and comments. For now it looks like (both of) you readers are stuck with the domestic bliss that is animal piss and house renovation. If one more person asks me if I'm having a baby soon I'm going to scream.

-- never say never

Tonight Dan and I were horsing around with the dog and cat, laughing and wrestling and otherwise making the dog absolutely nuts.

Actual conversation:

Dan (pausing to assess how a grown man and woman can act like 4 yr olds): "Basically this is what happens when you never grow up."

me (looking around at the enormous mess of our unfinished kitchen): "This is Never Never Land... without the staff!"

Dan: "It is Never Never Land. It will Never Never be finished!"

-- kitten is now 5 months

I haven't posted a kitten update in a while. Sita is now 5 months old. Her eyes went from blue to gray to olive, to above: imp kitty!! :)

-- hurricane Hanna

Today we're getting hit by hurricane Hanna. It's an awesome storm, the kind that dumps enough rain to make the house irresistably cozy but not enough to cause any trouble. (Or at least not here -- some of my friends have lost power but we've been lucky.) So it's a lazy day in the house.

The best place to kiss the dog is on his adorable furry temples.

Running around in curlers.

-- how to get your ass kicked (help from the 1977 JC Penney catalog)

If you haven't seen this yet, you MUST check it out. Blogger Johnny Virgil comments on an old JC Penney catalog.

Recurring theme: how to get your ass kicked!

-- if the shoe fits...

Oh. my. god. How much would I have to give you in order for you to wear this?

Fashion Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

~Author Unknown

Ugly shoes from ShoeaholicsAnonymous.com -- see more ugly shoes.

-- ugly and odd clothing

I love Spiegel. They have the most awesome clothes.

That being said, I now have to pick apart some of their more unusual offerings, being the fashion police I showed myself to be this past weekend when I (meanly) posted this picture of a woman wearing what appeared to be a trash can cozy at a wedding (scroll down for bad --sorry-- cell phone pic).

Clothes (like it or not) play some kind of role in the message we present to the world, and nothing says "I want to be shaped like a barrel" than a dress made to cover all traces of femininity.

So because I am feeling extremely judgemental, I bring you the following from the Spiegel catalog:

The perfect outfit to get divorced and take everything in. Nothing says "I'm burning his shirts on the front lawn" like a hot pink silk top tightly wrapped at the jugular with accessory power chastity belt cinching the waste. You can look, but you can no longer touch, because the locks have been changed.

The perfect outfit to sell ______* in. (*insert multi-level marketing scam, like Herbalife, A&L Williams, NuSkin, or Mary Kay. Oh, Mary Kay. I have a special bitterness for thee...)

Searching for that perfect Tanya Harding look? This sweater is the perfect knit to break your competing ice skater's knee with. Sizes 2-18.

Wtf are "caffeine-infused" tights and why do we need medicated pantyhose?

Nothing says "abacus" quite like this. Wonderful if you're a numbers kindof gal.

An honest-to-goodness owl eye! Who'da thought you could mount it. Since it's been petrified, it can also double as a self-defense device.

Be "in" whether you're going out on the town or in for a haircut!

After you win your class-action lawsuit, you can wear this at the celebratory cocktail party.

You can still be fashionable, even if you're the judge.

Looking for just the right pants to hide your leg elephantiasis*? Look no further.

*elephantiasis:

Nothing says "I want to f*ck the boss" more than this little number.


Want to buy sheets or just look like them?

When did it become fashionable to pin a handkerchief to your shirt?

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Want more? See the ugliest clothes on the planet.