-- sex offenders in the neighborhood

This is kinda scary. Someone sent me a link to a website which will let you plug in your address and then view all the nearby rapists and molesters:

http://www.familywatchdog.us

I combed through the map and wondered if I'd ever seen any of these people in the local supermarket. I also wondered what the story was behind their offense, like what is the difference between 4th degree rape and 1st degree rape? And "sexual offense of a minor" -- I wondered whose children were victims: their own or someone else's? And these are just the people who were caught. It's sobering.

**hey, update. Some people commented that all may not be as it seems; one forwarded a link to a This American Life episode worth listening to (see act 2).

-- 100 little facts about me

Inspired by Kimmers, I decided to come up with my own list of 100 little facts about myself. It's challenging to come up with this many. I'd love to read yours, if you do this too. Anyway, so here goes, in no particular order:

1. I do not like cold air blowing directly on me (like the A/C vent in car) unless I am dying hot.

2. I refuse to wear shoes that are uncomfortable.

3. I'm not into shopping.

4. When I do shop, I am extremely picky.

5. I hate spiders.

6. Not a big fan of insects in general.

7. I love staying up late.

8. Hate waking up early.

9. I suck at video games, no eye/hand coordination.

10. I like to read spanish & french labels (from shampoo bottles, etc.) out loud just to practice the accent.

11. I love to read. I read everything I can get my hands on. I used to read walking through the mall with family as a kid (told you I hated shopping).

12. I don't watch TV. There are some shows I like -- Dirty Jobs, The Office, Simpsons, Family Guy, etc., but rarely get around to watching them. I like movies though, if they're good.

13. In the wintertime, I wear the thickest fleeciest socks I can find. To hell with matching. My feet must be comfortable.

14. I rarely get headaches.

15. I don't get seasick.

16. My stomach is extremely sensitive. I can't eat too much or eat foods that are too old, fatty, milky, rich or sweet. Likewise if I'm tired or upset, my stomach will just plot revenge.

17. I don't like bread, rice or pasta that much.

18. I'm not a vegetarian but meat can skeeve me out pretty easily. (Just like Kimmers!)

19. I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime.

20. I cut my own hair (and it shows, lol).

21. I hate beauty appointments -- hair/nails/etc. are not for me. Massage though, now that's another story. :)

22. I cannot sing to save my life.

23. I sing anyway (usually alone in car).

24. I love dancing and like to work out to music alone.

25. I love drawing, woodburning and crafts. I'm not good at these things, just like them. (Mebbe if I practiced enough...)

26. I genuinely like people and care about their well-being.

27. I love science, especially reading about health & medicine and how the body & mind function.

28. My mind is always active. I happily retreat into my head when I need to.

29. I will not drink Dasani or Aquafina bottled water unless there's no choice. They're just bottled tap water and taste awful. Favorite water: Evian, Dannon Spring, Fiji. Though bottled water isn't good for the environment.

30. I hate making multiple trips with groceries, I'd rather injure myself carrying everything in at once.

31. I have a history of not being easily satisfied with my couches.

32. I need 8 hours of sleep.

33. The bedroom must be pitch black or I won't sleep well. (I can FALL asleep anywhere, but not necessarily STAY asleep if it's not dark enough. Noise bothers me less than light.)

34. I like washing dishes by hand but hate putting them away.

35. Cartoons are awesome. My favorites: Zits, Cathy, Robotman, Mamma Blues, Far Side, and anything by Keith Knight and Sergio Aragones.

36. I'm trying not to slouch so much (hazard of working on a computer).

37. Books on tape lull me to sleep when I drive. I'd rather read, easier to climb into a story when I can give it my full attention and I'm not distracted by traffic.

38. I love flying (as a passenger, not pilot). Bigger aircraft are nicer b/c they're more stable. I love taking off. Landing not so much.

39. I've never broken a bone.

40. Have never been in the hospital overnight.

41. I'm not superstitious.

42. Not religious either.

43. I love bike riding (but don't do enough of it).

44. I don't like taking medicine unless absolutely necessary. On the rare occasions that I do have a headache, I will try and sleep it off.

45. I can spell reasonably well.

46. I don't shop for things based on brand name, comfort and style are what I look for. If it happens to be a brand name, fine. I don't avoid brands, just don't go looking for them.

47. My sweet tooth is my greatest weakness.

48. I am obsessed with flossing.

49. I rarely wear nailpolish on my hands but always on my toes.

50. I eat more slowly than anyone else I know and almost always have leftovers. And get hungry every 3 hours!

51. I am not shy about ordering food I want. I never order a salad because "that's what girls do" -- I genuinely love salad. If I want a steak, I will order a steak.

52. Fast food isn't an option for me, I almost never eat it. Oh, one exception. McDonald's ice cream (when that whole sweet tooth thing rears its ugly head).

53. I love earrings but I'm not big into jewelry, just a few tasteful pieces.

54. I like silver more than gold.

55. I LOVE birds.

56. I can drive a stick, had one for 13 years and loved it. Mastered hills.

57. I am fiercely attached to my family and also fiercely independent.

58. Peer pressure doesn't work for me, never did. I do what I want no matter what. If someone is lecturing me, I will nod and listen and look agreeable but in the end do my own thing anyway. Pushing me harder will only make me more likely to lean the opposite way.

59. It's very important for me to be comfortable in my home, I love making it nice and cozy and clean.

60. No one I know reacts to mosquito bites like me, I blow up! It once took me over 3 years to recover from bad chigger bites! I wish I were kidding.

61. I am not into dieting. Never dieted, actually. I do watch what I eat and exercise but am more into the "lifestyle" theory of change than an actual diet plan.

62. I hate talking on the phone.

63. I love roller coasters.

64. I sleep on my back.

65. I was born near Halloween.

66. I do not get bored.

67. I don't like when my car is messy.

68. I don't like being stared at by strangers. I'll move or, if the staring is rude enough, will say something and be rude back.

69. My "office" space is usually on the floor or in bed -- I love to sprawl out with bills, letters, etc. spread around me.

70. I'm generally cheerful and optimistic.

71. There are 71 books on my Amazon wish list. Told you I loved to read!

72. I love the ocean, grew up less than 10 miles from the Atlantic in NJ.

73. I'm (generally) not an irritable driver.

74. I could use more confidence.

75. I rarely drink soda.

76. I'm extremely methodical about paying bills on time and being organized with my filing.

77. I save magazine articles that are meaningful to me.

78. I'm pretty content with life.

79. I do things that scare me so I can expand outside of myself. I don't ever want to be stagnant.

80. Traveling is awesome!

81. I cannot leave the house without a shower.

82. In high school I was a dork.

83. I'm ok with that now. :)

84. I could be better about answering email in a more timely fashion. I enjoy writing and have lots of pen pals, email and snailmail, but darn if I don't take my sweet time about it!

85. I love to read myself to sleep.

86. I do not like dirty fingernails.

87. My watch can be seen in the dark, I love that feature about it ("Indiglo" is what they call it.)

88. I hate foodshopping.

89. I like weeding (in early spring, before the mosquitos hit). There's a sense of accomplishment because the results are visible quickly.

90. I have never smoked a cigarette.

91. I am generally not a jealous person.

92. I love to write.

93. But I am getting sick of this list! lol

94. Six more left.

95. I need laughter in my life and seek it out.

96. My skin is very sensitive and I won't wash my face with anything but Toleriane, the only cleanser that won't irritate it.

97. I like the room to be on the chilly side when I sleep.

98. I hate coffee. Will only drink it to wake up, and even then, choose decaf.

99. I hate mosquitoes and will squash them with my bare hands when I see them, even though I am usually a germophobe and try not to touch doorknobs.

100. I really do wish for world peace. When I read articles about other people's suffering, I sit and think about what they're going through and try to imagine life through their eyes. I give them a moment of silence and concentration to honor their pain by trying to feel it myself. And I think about how I can help and if there's something I can do, I try to do it.

-- sorrow at vacation ending

Vacation's over. Wasn't long enough, got ravaged by fleas, two bouts of food poisoning and nowhere near enough sleep but I would do it all again in a heartbeat if I could!

-- sunrise over the Atlantic

Sunrise on Cocoa Beach, Florida. Not bad for a crappy cell phone camera. New goal: get a real camera.

-- Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge

I took all these with my crappy cell phone camera, but here's a tiny taste of Merritt Island:


We never got caught in rain -- turns out lots of thunderstorms fizzle out over the Banana River so even though the lightning looked pretty fierce, it never reached us. Swarms of mosquitos did though; the number of welts on my body has grown exponentially.

Merritt Island shares land with Kennedy Space Center but is run by the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service. The wildlife refuge is heavily managed -- before the 1950s, the saltmarsh mosquito thrived there and could produce a million mosquitoes per square yard in one day (!). Engineers divided it up to control water levels and salinity and thus the mosquito. We were basically mobbed by mosquitos at dusk so I can't imagine how many there'd be if this wasn't controlled. The air would be opaque with the bodies of the biting insects.

More information about Merritt Island:

• Merritt Island's creation.


• What to do in Merritt Island (including links for kayaking, etc.)

-- lunch good but signs of bad weather ahead

Lunch at the Smokehouse, a great place to eat in Cocoa Beach.
Heading out for a hike on Merritt Island but a nasty thunderstorm is heading this way.

-- tricolored heron dancing in the surf (us too)

Dan noticed a tricolor heron feeding in the surf and ran back to get his camera. Neither of us realized they frequent the sea. Here he is on Cocoa Beach, stopping for a moment. The sun was setting and the sky getting dark.

Tricolored heron dancing in the waves.

I was the assistant, carrying the larger lens (both hands, did NOT want to drop it!).

See more of Dan's pics (click on the pictures to enlarge them).

-- revenge of the sand fleas

Note to self: unwise to lie near sand dunes at night. What I thought would be a relaxing moonlit foray on the beach turned into a frenzied bloodsucking foodfest for the local sandflea population. I am now covered with 41 (I counted) big angry red welts.

*note: unaltered (crappy cell phone camera) photo.

-- I am here, even if only in body

So I am finally here in Florida. We didn't end up taking off until 4:30am. The weather was terrible and stormy and *everyone* in the airport last night was stranded. It actually made for a cozy night as all these strangers were stuck in the one restaurant that was open and a bunch of us just started talking, deep conversations about life and philosophy. It was aweseome. I hung out with all these cool people and we exchanged business cards. It was a magical night with magical men and women. (J, you should go to your high school reunion! :)

Once I realized I was stuck for a while, I browsed the airport bookstore and picked up an interesting book: Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar -- Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes. It looked interesting.

I was a little worried on the flight as I overheard the stewardesses complaining about how exhausted the crew was, that the pilot had been up 16 hours already and this was his last flight. I was like "um, he's not going to fall asleep on us, is he?"

I barely remember the flight but the sun was rising. When we landed, it took over an hour to get the car b/c Orlando was MOBBED and shortstaffed, then I headed east for the hour drive towards the Cape. I got lost when I was nearing the condo (crappy directions). That's the only time through the whole freaking ordeal that I wanted to scream. I was on the verge of pulling over to sleep because my eyes were swinging and it was getting dangerous to drive, I was thirstier than I'd ever been in my life, my stomach was about to explode AND I was scanning the road like a madwoman for a tiny sign that said "Spanish Main" and could barely see between my blurry eyes and the blazing sun. Good times.

So, I'm here. I'm about to collapse. Sorry about the lack of a personality, my frontal lobe has turned off and all I'm capable of doing right now is breathing and sleeping.

-- at airport

So I'm in the airport now, delayed until almost 2am, cursing self for checking my luggage out of laziness so I wouldn't have to limit my toiletries to 3 ounces and now I don't have my laptop power supply. Frak. I called Dan. "You sound like you're in a cage with monkeys and parakeets," he said. "And you sound annoyed."

Heh. That was hours ago. I've already been through all five steps of the mourning process and have now accepted my fate of grime and crappy airport food.

Dammit, this blogging from phone thing isn't working too well.

-- kitten is now 4 lbs

And I am packing for a long weekend in Florida... will be posting from my cell for the next few days. Just now posted last night's entry.

Now, Madonna in £1million Sex-Tape Scandal

As if reports about an affair with baseball star Alex Rodriguez were not enough, Madonna now has to deal with a cameraman who claims that he has in his possession a sex tape of the pop icon and A-Rod.

The cameraman is willing to sell the tape to the highest bidder, with the selling price starting at a whopping 1 million pounds.

The footage, he claims, was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment Madge and Rodriguez used for clandestine trysts in the afternoon.

But legal experts say that the plan could backfire for the man himself, for he could end up facing prosecution for voyeurism and burglary, reports the Daily Star.

One expert said: “If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy.”

“But more than that he would not have had his friend’s consent to install the camera and must have entered the apartment without approval to hide it. That is burglary.

“He would be prima facie guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he’d be going to jail for a few years. Even if the video existed it would probably be seized by the courts.”

Madonna’s lawyers in the meantime have said that they are “aware” of the claims but are not commenting.

-- oh, I was relaxed alright.

So I was in this group tonight and we were getting ready to do a meditation exercise. "Breathe deep" says the leader, "and relax your muscles, sink into a restful position. Let yourself be." I sighed and sunk further into the couch, ragdoll-like. I'm very good when it comes to any preparations which mimic sleep, as it's my favorite pastime and I practice it whenever possible.

She continued. "Feel your breath deep in your center. Concentrate on it. Feel your muscles let go and release their tension. Continue breathing."

I was so slack I almost started drooling.

"Now imagine you are standing in a room. There are three doors in front of you. Imagine that door number 1 opens and out comes one of your selves, your public self, the part of you that you show the world. Sit with her, have a conversation. What does she have to say? What do you talk about? Take some time to visit with her."

I tried to imagine visiting the public me. I pictured myself wearing a long flowing skirt elegantly sporting a dark smear from the morning's hasty attempt to jam food down my throat while driving. I walked over to me:

me: "hey."

public me: (head swiveling distractedly) "I'm going to be late."

me: "no you're not, time has stopped and there's nothing else you have to do right now. So what's up?"

public me: "but I have to be somewhere!"

me: "no, you don't. We're just here, in this room alone. Listen, calm down. Breathe, remember? So how are you?"

public me: "Ack! What do YOU want?! I don't have time for this!"

me: "chill! So what's going on, what do you need in life?"

public me: "are you serious? I am exhausted! I need to sleep. I can't stand this constant running running running!"

me: "that's what you want?"

public me: "god yes."

me: "fine."

And just like that I was asleep.

Some time later I woke up hearing, "And NOW, out of door number three comes your private self."

Door number three? What happened to door number two?

She continues, "Sit and talk to your this self for a while, what do they have to say? What do you ask her?"

me: "frak! wtf came out of door #2?"

private me: "fck if I know."

me: "um, aren't you supposed to have like huge reserves of brain not doing anything? Aren't you at least absorbing something when I sleep? Can't you rewind the tape and figure it out?"

private me: "What do you think, I do all the work while public me is sleeping? Of COURSE I am taking a nap too. We're not that separate."

me (begging): "please! What could door #2 possibly be?"

private me: "I have no idea. I mean, all you need is your private and public self, what other self could there possibly be?"

me: "That's why I'm asking you! No clue!"

private me: "well good luck with that. I have to head out."

Great. Now my inner selves are arguing. And in two minutes I'm going to have to talk about the significance of this.

Sure enough, the leader "guided" us back to the present and invited us to talk about our new and enlightening experiences.

She looked at me. "So?"

I nodded at the other woman. "You go first!" I said graciously.

Other woman: "Well #2 and #3 feel like they need to be more visible."

Leader: "very interesting."

The other woman continued in very vague, nebulous terms and I suddenly understood that there was just no way I'd ever figure out what was behind door #2 from her words.

Finally it was my turn. "So what about you? What was your experience?"

me (bluntly): "um. What was behind door #2 again? I kind of fell asleep."

The leader took a long hard look at me.

"ok, here. Lemme read it again. Out of door number two comes your personal self, the one you only show to close friends. That's what came out of door #2. So how did all your selves work out? What did you talk about?"

me: "um, I don't really remember too much except that uh, they weren't coming to complete terms on stuff."

Leader: "veerrrry interesting."

Great. So I am composed of inner selves that fight to sleep. Oh and I am "veerrrry interesting." Go me. I think I will celebrate this new dimension of dorkdom by getting some sleep.

-- request to parents

Note to parents who have kids with unusual names: when introducing your kid, please don't mumble it or blast it in my direction rapid-fire. Maybe even say it twice. This is what happened to me recently:

me: "Your kids are so cute!"

them: "Thanks! This is Zds and Bte!"

me: "Oh, what are their names again?"

them: "Zeddis and Botteee"

me: " "

I'm totally cool with unusual names. Just help me visualize it -- even spelling it helps, 'kay? I feel like an @ss if I have to ask more than twice!

-- I am SUCH a dork

So today has been a lazy Saturday. I took a nap in the afternoon -- only about 20 minutes -- but it was long enough to drift off into some hazy dreams. I was feeling guilty about allowing myself rest though because I have so much to do, and this somehow manifested itself in my dream. See, I'm a web designer by trade and spend my days looking at, creating, analyzing, recommending, and making navigation. Somehow a design morphed its way into my dream, with my to-do list as the navigation:I am SUCH a dork!

-- most difficult email address ever

So I was flipping through a local magazine today when I came across an ad for Maryland personal chef Asmeret Gebregzabhair. Being a web designer who regularly consults business owners on how to be accessible to their clientèle online, I had to laugh when I saw his email address. I'm changing the @ part of the email for his privacy's sake and so spam bots do not harvest his email from my blog post but tell me this is not one damn hard to remember address:

asgebregzabhair@verizon.net

This wins my prize for most difficult email address ever because A. it's REAL, he did not make this up, and B. there is no way anyone is going to remember it, except the guy's family because they have the same last name.

My advice is: go with easy! Easy is good, especially if it's your business contact address!

-- buying tools vs. donating a kidney

This is from an email Dan sent about his experience trying to buy some tools. It was so funny I had to post it:

So. I bought the Dewalt 12-inch miter saw and attempted to buy a Dewalt brad nailer. You can't just pick up the nailer, you have to get a ticket and then take it to the cashier, pay for it, and then they go get it for you.

When paying for it I asked the cashier, "You have this in stock, right?" Because I didn't want to pay for it only to be disappointed. "Yes, we have it," was the answer.

Well, what do you think happened? After standing around for 30 minutes, they told me they didn't have it.

So now I go back and choose another one, the Bostitch. I get the ticket, come up, and have a problem because they want me to stand in line again (the lines had become long, the place was a madhouse). I had already stood in line and it wasn't my fault they made a mistake and didn't have it... I shouldn't have to stand in line any more. It took some arguing but I got helped out at the customer service counter and didn't have to wait. But now I was pissed. Anyway I get my Bostitch and get out of there, with about 1 pound of receipts.

So I rush home and pry open the box, only to find out... it's not a brad nailer. It's a crown stapler. The box was mis-stocked, and had the number of a nailer on the side of it.

Now it's 9:30pm and the store is closed.

SO I get up the next day, and travel 30 minutes to a different Lowes, because they are managed better and it's always nicer there. Those people are nice, they understand everything instantly, but do not have the Dewalt either. But they give me a Bostitch (we open the box to check) and then I go home.

Time: 4:30pm Sunday.

I rip open the box, plug the hose into the nailer and try to nail something. Just a hissing noise, no satisfying pop. Crap. What's up?

After spending 10 minutes trying to figure out if there's a safety or something, I take it apart. Inside it's a complete mess - the piston is sideways in the cylinder. This happened before I got my hands on it.

Now I've got less than an hour left before Lowes closes, and I've spent the entire weekend trying to buy a f-ing nailer. I go back to the crappy Lowes near my house and exchange the nailer. They have one in stock, but it takes an hour for the disenfranchised, incompetent, and uncaring workers to make it all happen.

After taking my money, they forgot about me, I just stood there near the tool corral for 15 minutes expecting someone to show up. When i finally went back to the cashier, she said something to me like "so do you want me to do something?" Unreal.

This time the nailer worked. I ended up taking the next day to finish my window. But getting the nailer was like donating a kidney. Without the moral satisfaction.

No wonder he hates going into those big box stores anymore.

Winehouse Snub's Quit Smoking Plea

Amy Winehouse upset her father Mitch by smoking on stage just hours after he begged her to quit.

The Back To Black star sang to the 80,000 strong crowd at Scotland's T in the Park festival on Sunday (13Jul08) while swigging alcohol and smoking.

It came just hours after her dad Mitch made an emotional plea on British TV, urging those close to the star to stop providing her with drugs and cigarettes.

Mitch, who has fallen ill himself trying to cope with his wayward daughter's problems, went on to ask the singer to quit tobacco because of "a small amount of emphysema in her lungs".

He also warned her death would not come from drugs, but from smoking, and told her it would be "a long, slow, painful death" in a bid to shock her into quitting all her addictions.

He says, "I want people to understand - even if they give her one cigarette they're causing her harm.

"She has a small amount of emphysema in the top of her lungs. It's negligible, but it could lead to something a lot more serious".

Rihanna Won't Pose Nude for Playboy

Barbadian singer-model Rihanna says that she will never pose naked for Playboy because she fears her mother will kill her if she did so.

The 'Umbrella' singer said that she was not shy about stripping off for work, but still she would never want to do a photo shoot in the buff.

"I am only 20 so my mother would kill me if I posed nude!," British tabloid The Sun quoted her as saying.

The star also said she did the metallic body paint stuff for her video, and not to show her body.

"I didn't do it for people to like me. I did it because it was a cool visual, unexpected, and it looked hot," she said.

"I have done a lot of photo shoots for magazines but it's always great to be shot for a cover because you know that you are looked at as a fashion icon," she added.

-- whitewater rafting

The last time I went rafting, I was a teen. I loved it.My dad in the back and cousin and stepbrother on either side.

So when I heard some friends were going last week, I joined along, brimming with excitement about the adventure. We hopped in the car and drove 6 hours to West Virginia to raft with Songer Whitewater on the New river. Songer also does the Gauley river but that's a whole different show. I'm not keen on near-death experiences so am glad we stuck with the more gentle trip.

Worry didn't start creeping in until I woke the next morning to a darkening sky. It was already chilly out and I was wearing thin I-hope-this-cheap-fabric-dries-out-quickly shorts and a bathing suit, neither of which preserved ANY warmth whatsoever. "Chance of thunderstorms and more scattered thunderstorms" translated to "you're going to be in water when lightning hits!" to my brain. I pushed it aside and told myself, "they said CHANCE" and focused instead on the hotel's breakfast buffet where I deliberated over items least likely to spontaneously erupt from an unwilling orifice in the next several hours.

Then we drove to the whitewater place, suited up and loaded onto the company bus. My friends ribbed me. "Here's a life vest and helmet. Make sure you get a RIGHT-HANDED paddle!!" I tried to play it off like I hadn't believed them. "ha ha," I said. "You almost got me!" (lol. almost. Yeah right.)

But it wasn't until the actual bus ride that my amygdala began to override the reasoning centers of my brain. "The river is 2.5 feet higher than yesterday AND IS STILL RISING!!" the guide sang out. "That's going to make a REALLY exciting and dangerous ride!"

"Dangerous?" I thought, and leaned in closer. Death threats tend to get my full attention.

"Now if you have ANY medical conditions, LET US KNOW! Last year a woman didn't tell us that she had a condition where her muscles shut down when she was afraid. She fell in the water and we found her floating face down, paralyzed! We saved her, she's ok now, but TELL US about any limits you have so we are NOT surprised."

I wondered if I had a condition where my muscles shut down in fear. Thirty minutes of ensuing "safety" talk served only to scare the daylights out of me, paralyzing my facial muscles into a tight grimace prompting a Songer employee to ask me if I was ok.

Eventually, we arrived at the river and our guide walked up. "You're the high-adventure boat, eh?" he said. I tried not to look worried. "Yeah, these smaller boats are less stable, they tip over more easily. We can have as much fun as you'd like!!"

Fun? Tipping over is fun? I thought the whole point was getting through rapids without drowning. Hm.

Luckily my friends are kind and noticed my knitted brows. "We'll start out slow and see how it goes," one said mercifully, sacrificing their carefree spirits in exchange for a pleasant ride home.

Within 5 minutes of getting into the water, we flipped. It happened in slow motion, one side rising threateningly until it stood on edge and then crashed fully over, dumping us unceremoniously into the swirling water underneath.

Falling in wasn't so bad. It was what to do once I was in. "Crap! Don't drop the paddle!" I thought, remembering the prep talk. I dropped it anyway and then lunged after it, foolishly using metabolic reserves better suited to self-preservation. Paddle successfully secured but now tired, I started swimming towards the boat one-handed, holding the paddle awkwardly in front of me.

It was then that I realized I was breathing too fast. Great. I tried to will myself to calm down but research in brain studies time and again show how powerfully the fear response engulfs the mind. There is no reasoning with a cerebrum convinced it's in danger. I made a mental note to try meditation, hypnosis, and weed* when I got home, and continued swimming.

Luckily I was in a place that wasn't dangerous. The water was not too fast, undercut rocks were distant, the boat was accessible, and my experienced river rat friends were looking out for me. One of them guided me toward the boat and helped me in. I wanted to shower them with grateful hugs and name my firstborn after them (or at least give them first eBay bidding rights), but let out a breathless "thanks!" instead.

Once I was back in the boat, my brain split in two. One half said, "that was a great place to fall out. Now I know what it's like." (The unknown evokes far more alarm than the known -- that's why practice and exposure are the best ways to handle fear.)

However, the other half screamed, "WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" (with an intensity not unlike the woman on my last flight who howled those very words at the top of her lungs during takeoff). This caused me to purposely hook my right foot into the boat so tightly that it would have gotten ripped off before I fell out again. My friends noticed this with alarm and mentioned, "um, you don't want it in there TOO tightly or you could get injured if we flip again." I nodded and pantomimed adjustment by jamming it further in.

At some point we broke for lunch, pulling on shore for a break. Our guide announced that the very next rapid would be a class V (highly dangerous if you fell out). I got off the boat and, unsteady at this news, immediately twisted my ankle on the rocks, and hobbled towards the food. Stomach in knots, I picked at lettuce until someone got stung by a bee and ran shrieking from the small colony that gathered by the food. After that, I couldn't sit still anymore. I got up for some photo ops:(Me, in yellow. There's a drop of water on the lens which makes me look freakishly short and pear-shaped. Not that I am tall and lean, but I need all the cooperation I can get from the camera. I don't need any extra obstacles! In reality I am somewhat taller than the woman next to me.)

Something interesting happened after lunch. I started to relax. I realized that we were going through rapids and NOT getting tossed in. We didn't fall out at all for the rest of the trip. My brain finally calmed down and enjoyed the ride. Really it was a blast. Now I am debating about going back next month!

_____________________________
*have never actually tried pot, but judging from our cable repairman, it works great on killing any sense of urgency or concern.

-- Ani DiFranco concert tonight

I was at work planning dinner in my head when I suddenly realized I had Ani DiFranco tickets -- for tonight! The entire day turned frenetic as we tried to make up for early senility by racing home to feed animals/selves before rushing out to make the long commute.

At the concert, all stress melted and I suddenly understood that if I had 6 months to live, I would just follow her around the country seeing her concerts and exploring. And I would die happy.

It's hard to explain but there is an accompanying aura of acceptance and peace at her concerts, where everyone can be themselves. Straight and gay couples looking relaxed, happy and affectionate, no one having to hide inside themselves. It's my idea of nirvana, people being nice to eachother.


Way to go, cell camera! Best blurry concert photo ever! Can't you totally see the band on stage rocking away? lol

I love the depth and strength of her lyrics, about how we should care about eachother's plight in this world, we should fight for justice and human rights. As Martin Luther King said, "The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people." Her lyrics speak of reaching out, like:

I know the biggest crime
is just to throw up your hands
say this has nothing to do with me
I just want to live as comfortably as i can
you got to look outside your eyes
you got to think outside your brain
you got to walk outside your life
to where the neighborhood changes
~Ani DiFranco, Willing to Fight

-- quotes on life lessons

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson." ~Broadcaster/author Tom Bodett, quoted in the Charlotte, N.C. Observer.

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back." ~ Mick Jagger

Love Kills Slowly: Ashley Tisdale in bikini

Ashley Tisdale was making a statement of sorts when she was chilling on the beach with boyfriend Jared Murillo. She was wearing a Ed Hardy bikini which clearly shouted out loud – Love Kills Slowly literally. The bikini had Love Kills Slowly as a part of the design. The star has turned 23. On the silver screen High School Musical 3 is awaiting a Oct 24 debut. Meanwhile Ashley has her They Came From Upstairs in a film titled They Came From Upstairs.

But it seems that Ashley will not be departing from a Disney mode of functioning as this film will so be about kids this time who battle aliens. The director of the film is John Schultz. Ashley also has a solo album coming up. So I guess this a well pre deserved break for Ashley.

-- from "A Wolf at the Table" by Augusten Burroughs

I'm reading A Wolf at the Table by Augusten Burroughs. It is more serious than his earlier work, a dark memoir about his sick childhood and forbidding father. It's painful to read and triggers my instinct to psychically wrap my arms around anyone in pain and shield them from the collective hurt of people hurting people.

Here's a quote from the book that I wanted to share because it gives a ray of hope on a desolate situation. His twelve-year old self says:

I knew I had an ugly life. I knew I was lonely and I was scared. I thought something might be wrong with my father, wrong in the worst possible way. I believed he might contain a pathology of the mind -- an emptiness -- a knocking hollow where his soul should have been. But I also knew that one day, I would grow up. One day, I would be twenty, or thirty, or forty, even fifty and sixty and seventy and eighty and maybe even one hundred years old. And all those years were mine, they belonged to nobody but me. So even if I was unhappy now, it could all change tomorrow. Maybe I didn't need to jump off the cliff to experience that kind of freedom. Maybe the fact that I knew such freedom existed in the world meant that I could someday find it.

Maybe, I thought, I don't need a father to be happy. Maybe what you get from a father you can get somewhere else, from somebody else, later. Or maybe you can just work around what's missing, build the house of your life over the hole that is there and always will be.

This really struck me. The years in front of you belong to no one but you. Maybe I can learn to fly someday afterall.

-- 4th of July in the rain

Went with some friends to see fireworks in Baltimore (Baltimore Symphony Orchestra's fireworks & music shebang). It poured but we huddled under a tarp and laughed the night away. Was awesome. Happy birthday, L, you are the best.

-- the evolution of one photograph

The evolution of one photograph, from photographer Kyle Cassidy. Brilliant. First look at the photo, look at it hard, then click to enter and see how that photo came to be.

-- drowning under email

384 messages to sift through between my various accounts, how can I manage this?!

Angelina Jolie In Hospital

Angelina Jolie has checked into a Nice, France hospital where she will remain until she gives birth to twins.

The actress has been living with partner Brad Pitt, their children and assistants in an exclusive wine resort in Provence, France since the beginning of the summer.

Jolie admitted herself into the Lenval Hospital in Nice on Monday (30Jun08), and is said to be doing fine, according to a hospital representative.

Nadine Bauer, the spokeswoman for the hospital, says the actress had planned her move into the maternity ward for some time and that everything is going well.

Bauer says, "The visit has been planned for a long time, there are no complications. She is just resting".

Jolie's twins are expected to be delivered by Michele Sussmann, who is reportedly set to fly to France from the U.S. later this week (beg30Jun08).

The actress has three adopted children and a natural child with Pitt.

News she was pregnant with twins was confirmed at the Cannes Film Festival in May (08) when Jolie's Kung Fu Panda co-star Jack Black revealed all during a TV interview.